


The Unforgettable Fire

by grassysvu67



Series: The Unforgettable Fire [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:38:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1988397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassysvu67/pseuds/grassysvu67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you have to make your way through the darkness to find the light. For Olivia and Rafael, this journey into the light was a long and difficult one but as long as they had each other, they knew they could make it. A different take on some of the events of Seasons 14-16.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fade Into Darkness

_ New York City, Olivia Benson's Apartment,- May 2013 _

Olivia awoke to the aroma of brewing coffee. She knew instantly who was behind the wonderful smell permeating her apartment. Before making her way into the kitchen, she put on her sweatpants and his old Harvard Law shirt that she "borrowed" from his place a few weeks earlier.

As she made her way into her kitchen, she found a shirtless Rafael hovering around the coffee maker, impatiently waiting. This sight caused her to smile. Coffee was clearly more important to Rafael in the mornings than wearing a shirt, though Olivia didn't mind. "Hey," she said softly.

Rafael turned around and saw Olivia standing there watching him. "Good morning. Would you like some coffee? Oh and hey! Nice shirt." Rafael grinned.

"Thanks! I think it clearly looks better on me than you. And yes I would love a cup," Olivia said as she moved towards the couch.

Soon Rafael joined her with two cups of coffee prepared to perfection. "Here you go. Coffee just how you like it."

Olivia took the cup from his hand and took a slip before putting it down. "Mmm…you make the best coffee out of anyone I know. Thank you."

"I would hope it would be better than Munch's. His coffee could burn a hole in the wall." Rafael laughed as he sat down next to her. He set his cup down on the table and wrapped his arm around Olivia, gently pulling her towards him. Olivia snuggled closer and took a deep breath. She loved how intoxicating his natural scent was. It was very masculine yet there was a hint of something sweet and she swore there was a faint hint of coffee as well.

She rested her head on his bare chest and ran one of her hands up and down his back slowly. She loved how soft his skin felt against hers. He was much more muscular than his suits let on. Olivia loved it; it made her feel special that she was the only one who got to see the "real" Rafael Barba in more ways than one.

It was more than that though. Being with each other made them feel safe. They each suffered their own private hells but together they could keep their demons at bay.

Cuddled together on Olivia's couch to them was the start of a perfect Sunday. It was rare that the two of them got to spend a weekend together alone like this lately and it was clear neither one of them wanted it to end.

"Can we stay like this for the rest of the day?" Olivia whispered.

"Mmm…why not?" Rafael said as he kissed the top of her head.

And just then as if it was a cruel joke, Olivia's cell phone began to ring. She recognized the ringtone. It was Amanda calling. Olivia groaned. "Damnit. I don't want to answer that."

"Then don't. It is your day off." On cue, Rafael's phone began to ring.

"So much for a peaceful Sunday by ourselves." Olivia sighed.

_New York City- 16th Precinct, A Few Weeks Later _

Rafael walked into the squad room, hoping he would find her sitting there at her desk or in Cragen's office. Something. Anything. He just needed answers. No one would tell him what was going on. All he managed to get out of Cragen early yesterday morning was that Olivia had gone missing and they were frantically looking for her. Cragen offered no other details. Rafael didn't understand why Cragen couldn't tell him more until he saw the squad huddled around the board in the middle of the bullpen.

"We think we have it narrowed down to a beach house on this part of Long Island," Amanda said as she addressed her fellow officers.

"We have solid leads suggesting that Lewis was heading east in a stolen car with New York license plates." Nick responded.

"Right now we have the state troopers and the Suffolk and Nassau County sheriff departments setting up roadblocks and checkpoints across Long Island," Munch added, "Nick, Amanda, Fin, you guys take these guys out there with you."

The squad continued to hammer out the details of their plan of action before they were interrupted by a voice near the door.

"Is she still alive?" Rafael's voice was low and controlled.

"Barba!" Amanda was the first to spot him. He didn't look like his usual well kept self. He was disheveled and visibly upset and scared.

"Tell me what's going on! I need to know," Rafael pleaded.

"Counselor, I told you, we would call you when we knew anything." Cragen stepped in hoping to ward off any confrontation.

"No! Stop dicking me around, Captain. You guys know what's going on. I need to know if she is still alive!" Rafael demanded as he surveyed everyone's faces. He was trying desperately to keep it together but his anger was boiling to the surface. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Amanda and Nick looked away. Munch let out a sad sigh.

It was Fin who spoke up first. "Look man, we don't know. But this is Liv we are talking about here. She's tough."

"And Lewis is a sadist," Rafael snapped.

"We are going to find her, Barba, you got to hold tight. Fin, Nick, Amanda, go! Keep us updated as you find everything. I will contact the others to let them know you are on your way," Cragen commanded before he rushed off to his office.

Rafael watched everyone rush out the door, leaving him and Munch standing alone. "We'll find her. Trust us," Munch said as he placed a hand on Rafael's shoulder.

"John, I do. I just need to know if...She just…" Rafael closed his eyes, he knew he was close to breaking down.

Munch cut him off, "It's going to be okay. Look, I know you and Liv are really close and you are worrying about her. I don't know if this makes things better or worse but just so you know she does care for you a lot."

If you only knew John, Rafael thought to himself.

_ Long Island, New York _

"It's over now Liv. Let's get you out of here," Nick said gently as he wrapped a blanket around her. It was finally over; she survived. She could hardly believe it. She looked up and took a deep breath. She tried to regain focus but the pain in this side of her head was excruciating. Her vision was slightly blurry.

She looked around outside of the house. She was searching for someone. She spotted Fin and Amanda standing together watching her as Nick led her towards the ambulance. She stopped to inspect the crowd, hoping he would call out to her, come running, and tell her that he loved her and it was going to be okay. But it never happened. He wasn't there. Rafael wasn't there. She felt her heart sink.

"Liv, come on. Let's get you over to the EMTs so they can get you checked out and take you to the hospital," Nick said while guiding her towards the awaiting ambulance

"Where is he?"

"Who Liv? Cragen? Lewis?" Nick was slightly confused.

"No," Olivia said while shaking her head slightly. "Where is Rafael?"

"Barba? He's back in the city. Why?"

"I need him," Her voice was barely audible.

"Okay. We'll get him to meet us at the hospital. I will ride with you, Liv and we will get Amanda to call him. Is that okay?"

"Please," She pleaded.

Nick handed her off to the paramedics and ran over towards Amanda and Fin.

"Nick! What's wrong? How is Liv?" Amanda asked.

"She asked for Barba. Can you call him for her while I ride with her to the hospital?" Nick asked.

"Barba? Why she ask for him?" Fin was slightly confused by Olivia's request.

"Look, I don't know but she asked me a few times to get a hold of him and I told her we would," Nick sighed.

"I'm on it. Tell Liv, he will be there and not to worry. If she needs anything else, let us know," Amanda said as she reached for her phone to call Rafael.

_ New York City- New York Presbyterian Hospital _

Rafael rushed into her room to be by her side but he was taken aback by what he saw. She was sedated and almost looked at peace laying there. But as Rafael got closer, the markings on her face and arms told a very different story. The left side of her face was black and purple where Lewis beat her with the butt of her own gun and she had a large gash on her forehead. Her left arm had serve burn just below her wrist. She was hooked up to two IVs to help reduce the pain and fill her with fluids. Rafael's heart sank. He knew there was more but he just couldn't stomach the thought. He couldn't help but blame himself for this.

He pulled up a chair next to her bed and sat down. He reached for her hand. "Oh Liv…I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I want you to know that I love you so much. Please believe me," he said softly. He brought her hand up to his cheek. She let out a soft whimper. Rafael took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The guilt was eating at him. He felt the tears building up. He didn't want to cry. He needed to be strong for her.

"Barba," a voice from the doorway called to him. It startled him. He looked up to find Captain Cragen standing there.

"Captain," Rafael replied.

"How is she doing?"

"She's sedated and dehydrated. The doctors say when she comes to, she is going to be in a lot of pain with the cracked ribs and the broken shoulder plus all her other injuries," Rafael said sadly as his gaze returned to focus on Olivia.

Cragen stood in silence watching Rafael and Olivia. He knew. "How long?"

"Since right after Christmas."

Cragen nodded.

"She loves you dearly you know."

Rafael smiled slightly. "Have we been that obvious?"

"No but I could tell. She looks at you the same way my wife Marge used to look at me."

Rafael looked at Cragen, "I love her too."

Just then, Olivia stirred and started to come to. "Rafael? Rafael where are you? I need you." Her voice was panicked and she started to cry. She was scared and disoriented.

Rafael moved closer, "I'm right here, Liv. I'm right here. You're okay. You're safe now."

"Please don't leave me," she pleaded.

"I won't. I promise." Rafael said as he caressed her non-injured cheek. His touch calmed her down as she managed to fall back asleep again.

Silence overtook the room for several minutes before Cragen spoke again. "She is going to need you more than she has ever needed anyone in her whole life right now. Take good care of her, Rafael," Cragen said before walking out of the room.

Rafael nodded as he watched Cragen leave. Soon he returned his full attention to Olivia. "I want you to know that I'm not going to leave you, Liv. You'll get through this. I know you can. We'll get through this together. Mi amor por siempre."

A few hours later, Olivia started to wake. Her head was still hurting and she was a bit confused as to what was going on. Olivia wasn't even sure what time it was or even how long she had been in this hospital room. Though, she was sure of one thing. She could sense his presence; he was here with her holding her hand.

"Rafael?"

Olivia opened her eyes and saw him asleep in the chair next to her. She wondered how long he had been there. As she studied his face, Olivia could tell he hadn't slept much these past few days judging by the amount of beard stubble on his face. Olivia thought about how frightened he must have been. She wondered how he found out and if the squad helped him or checked on him. The possibility of him alone and terrified caused her heart to hurt. She hated herself for putting him through this.

Olivia called to him again. Her voice was weak but he heard her and started to wake up.

"Liv? You're awake." Rafael was relieved. He wanted to tell her so many things. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. But something held him back, he was suddenly hesitant and unsure of himself. Olivia could sense he was nervous.

"You stayed with me," Olivia said softly.

"Of course. I wasn't going to leave you," he tried to reassure her.

Olivia gave him a weak smile and took a deep breath. "Rafael…"

He squeezed her hand and looked directly into her eyes.

Her bottom lip began to quiver. "I thought I was never going to see you again." She started to cry. "I thought he was going to kill me. I was so scared. I didn't want to die."

"I never gave up hope," Rafael whispered as he turned away. He didn't want Olivia to see the tears in his own eyes.

"Who told you I was missing?"

"Cragen."

Olivia nodded.

Silence overtook the room for a few moments before Olivia called to him again. "Rafael…"

Rafael turned to look at her.

"I love you."

Rafael smiled, "I love you too."

_ New York City- Rafael Barba's Apartment _

Rafael stood outside the bathroom door as he heard Olivia throwing up. He let out a heavy sigh. The anti-retroviral and pain medications were making her very sick. The doctors decided that she needed to be on the anti-retrovirals to be safe given Lewis's history. She barely was able to keep food down today when she had any sort of appetite at all. Due to Rafael's persistence, she managed to force down two pieces of toast but now she was bringing it back up. Nothing he did seemed right; he kept failing her.

Rafael tapped on the door gently and called to her. "Liv? Are you okay? Can I come in?" Olivia managed to let out a weak groan from inside. Rafael entered and found her sitting on floor in front of the toilet. Her skin was flush and she had broken out in a cold sweat from the vomiting.

He kneeled down next to her. "Can I help you up?" His voice was gentle as he instinctively reached for her and touched her back. His touch caused her to flinch. It made her uncomfortable at first. She looked over at him as tears began to build in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said as he pulled his hand away. He was angry with himself. He knew he shouldn't have touched her like that without asking. And if he did his job right then, they would not be sitting here like this. You're such a screw-up Rafael, he thought to himself bitterly.

"No…it's okay…I'm just…I'm just still a little jumpy. You didn't have to move your hand," she whispered sadly.

He was hurt; she saw it in his face. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't him and that she really wanted the comfort of his touch. But at the same time, she just couldn't stand to actually be touched. She still felt Lewis on her. It made her shudder.

"Well how about you let me get you off the floor. It can't be comfortable sitting there." He tried to smile.

Olivia nodded as Rafael helped pull her to her feet. He noticed the burn on her wrist was raw and in need of medicine. "I think we should put some ointment on your wrist and maybe your other burns."

Olivia stiffened. "I don't think that's a good idea." She started to panic and she began to tremble. She desperately wanted to get out of the bathroom.

"You need to though. The burn on your wrist looks like it's going to get infected and what about the one on your chest and leg? Please let me put some medicine on them. It will only take a second," Rafael pleaded.

"I can do it," she said hoping to deflect him.

"I know you can but when putting the gauze band aids on them might be a bit difficult with your injured shoulder and all."

Olivia sighed in frustration. She knew he was trying his best to help. She just wished he wasn't so damn caring so she could get mad at him. "Fine…just…can we get out of the bathroom? I'm really uncomfortable in here."

"Okay." He grabbed the medicine and gauze and he reached for Olivia's hand. Olivia grabbed it and Rafael led them to their bedroom.

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and she stared at him. She was nervous. She didn't want Rafael to see what Lewis did to her. She worried he would never look at her the same way ever again. She was scared that he would see her as damaged and broken. She didn't want to be so exposed even to Rafael.

"Let's get your wrist first," Rafael said softly as he took her left arm. He inspected the burn. Given how severe it was, Rafael was sure it was going to leave a nasty scar. As he tended to it, Olivia looked on, staring at the wall, trying to forget.

Before this, Olivia sitting on the edge of his bed wearing one of his old dress shirts would have been such a turn on, but this was killing him. Now he saw Olivia sitting there struggling not crawl out of her own skin. She seemed like a shell of her former self; she was barely keeping herself together.

"Let's get the burn on your chest now. I'm going to unbutton the first few buttons, Liv. Then I'm going to put the ointment and the band aid on. Is that okay?" Rafael's voice was tender

She nodded as she closed her eyes tight.

"If you want me to stop, please tell me."

"I will." Her voice was barely audible.

As he undid the shirt buttons, he saw up close for the first time how bad the burn on her chest was. It looked deep and painful and there were signs it was infected. He carefully placed the medicine on her wound. Olivia grimaced in pain at his touch.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

"It's not your fault."

Rafael hesitated for a moment. He knew the next one was going to be difficult. "I got to get the one on your inner thigh now."

Olivia was trying to desperately fight off the tears. "I can't let you do that."

"But it needs medicine…"

"No! You can't…I mean I don't want you to see it and what he did to me. Not there."

Rafael moved to sit next to her and reached for her hand. "We can try later. We don't have to do it now," he said trying to comfort her.

"Rafael…I need to tell you something."

"Tell me what?"

"Lewis knew about us. When he….when he got me…he taunted me and said he wanted to leave his mark down there so every time you looked at me, touched me, you would remember him." Olivia hung her head. She felt ashamed and dirty.

"No! Lewis can't take away anything from us, Liv. I know you and I won't let that happen," Rafael said as he squeezed her hand.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Yes you can. I know you can," he tried to reassure her.

Olivia let out a heavy sob. She reached out for Rafael's embrace. As much as she didn't want to be touched, she needed his comfort desperately. Olivia wanted to feel Rafael holding her and not _him._ She needed Rafael to make her feel safe. "Please," she whispered.

Rafael wrapped his arms around her as Olivia rested her head on his chest as she cried.. "Please what, Liv?" Rafael gently asked.

"Please make it okay again. Make it safe again," Olivia begged as clutched him tight.

 


	2. Sort of a Homecoming

“…Tonight we'll build a bridge, across the sea and land, see the sky, the burning rain. She will die and live again, tonight. And your heart beats so slow through the rain and fallen snow, across the fields of mourning. Light's in the distance. Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep for tonight, at last, I am coming home. I am coming home…” – U2

 

 

Today was a bad day, a very bad day. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones but this day was different. Olivia Benson found herself teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown and a complete breakthrough. Something had to give.

At home, sleep was fleeting. The nightmares she had were too vivid. Each one made her feel like she was back in that moment and each one was worse than before. On this night, during this dream, the Beast tortured her and forced her to watch as he tortured Rafael in front of her in her apartment. She begged him to spare Rafael. She was willing to die to protect him. But there was nothing she could do to stop it. It jolted her awake and it rattled her to her core; she couldn't take this anymore. It all had to stop.

Her restlessness woke him. He sat up and looked at her. She was drenched in sweat and her breathing was uneven.

"Another one?" He asked.

"Yeah. This one as worse than the others." She said.

When he asked her to tell him about it, she refused. In her mind, he didn't need to be haunted by what she saw. She tried to tell him to go back to sleep and that she would be okay. He didn't believe her. She was far from okay. So he insisted he stay up with her to keep her company.

She was too upset to be alone or go back to sleep but he had court early in the morning. She studied his face in the dim light and she saw how heavy his eyes were. He was just as exhausted as she was. He really needed some sleep; Olivia felt a wave of guilt overcome her.

She worried she was hurting him somehow. She tried to apologize. She suggested that maybe she overstayed her welcome and should leave. He left out a soft sigh and answered with a resounding no. He took her hand and reminded her of the promise he made to her four months ago. She gave him a weak smile. She realized that she wasn't going to win this battle with him. He was too set in his ways.

At work, Olivia nearly lost control during an interrogation. She and Nick had tried for three hours to get the suspect to confess to assaulting three women in SoHo. By the end of the third hour, the suspect made a crack about the scar on her wrist. Rage began to take over; she was ready to hurt him or worse. But she caught herself. It took all of her energy to resist the urge to grab him and bash his head into the table. Suddenly, the walls felt like they were closing in; she was struggling to breath. She knew she needed to get out of the squad room. She bolted from the interrogation room as everyone watched. She just needed some air and then she would be okay.

She noticed everyone staring. She suddenly felt very aware and self-conscience. She wanted everyone's gaze off her. She could feel them pass judgment and pity her. She knew they were waiting for her to slip up, for her to falter. She didn't want to give them the satisfaction. At least not today.

Cragen watched her run from the interrogation room and soon chased after her. "Liv! Wait!"

She stopped and turned, "Captain. I'm sorry I just needed to get out of there."

He reached out to her. "I think it would be best if you took the rest of the day off. "

"I'll be fine. I just need a few minutes."

"My orders. Take the afternoon off and come back tomorrow. Go home Olivia, please."

She didn't agrue. She knew he was right. She grabbed her jacket and headed towards the door. She decided she needed to visit someone who she hadn't seen in a long time. Someone who would understand and help her feel safe. She needed to feel alive again. Olivia Benson needed to go home.

Before she knew it, she stood at her mother's grave.

"Hi Mom. I brought you this pretty dark red rose...I remembered how much you liked them." Olivia said softly as she placed the rose down in front of her mother's grave. She stared for a moment at the words engraved into the stone.

Serena Benson, Loving Mother.

"I'm really sorry it has taken me so long to visit you again. I've been busy with work and things…Yeah I know…I can hear you saying, Olivia you are more than that job and don't let it control you…well it's a little late for all of that…I get it. I'm here because I have something really important to tell you. I just don't know how to say it."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She struggled to find her words; something inside of her was holding her back. She couldn't break free. She thought for a moment before speaking again. "Do you remember that time I came home from school when I was six? I had gotten in trouble for punching Billy Porter in the face because he said I didn't have a father. You were so mad at me for hitting another kid until I told you what he said. Do you remember that moment when I asked you why I didn't have a dad, you hugged me and cried? You told me that sometimes people do bad things to hurt other people and that one day you hoped I would understand. Well, Mom, I understand."

She felt tears build up in her eyes and she hastily wiped them away. She silently swore at herself. No crying, Benson.

"His name was William Lewis. He ra…violated me and hurt me for 2 days four months ago." She couldn't bring herself to say it. The thought of using that word made her nauseous. "My partner, Nick found us and he shot and killed him. Lewis would have killed me if Nick didn't get him first. Oh God, I'm struggling, Mom. Please tell me it's going to be okay. I can't sleep and I can't eat. It feels like I want to crawl out of my skin and I just want to scream." Olivia looked down at her left arm and stared at the jagged scar near her wrist. She began to trace it with her fingers. "He did that to me," she whispered, "and more."

"Mom I am not trying to go through this alone. I saw what it did to you. I know how much you hurt and how you tried to drink your pain away. I promise you I am not going to do that. I know you wouldn't want me to suffer like you did. I wish I could have helped you. I'm so sorry I failed you."

"My squad has been very supportive and great friends. Nick's saved my life twice. I don't know how I ever could repay him for all that he's done. And Don, Amanda, John, and Fin…they're my family…"

"But there is someone else, Mom, he has been there with me through it all. His name is Rafael and we started seeing each other…before…" Olivia's voice hiccupped, "before…it happened. He's been with me ever since they saved me. He promised me that he would be by my side to help me through this. And he really has. He loves me and I really do love him. I think you would like him really. He's witty and smart and most importantly he respects me. He's a good man, an honorable man. He asked me to marry him other day. I want to but I told him to wait. I just can't yet. He told me he would wait for as long as it takes. He is too good to me. I wonder if he asked me because he feels guilty since he couldn't stop what happened or if he means it. I think, though, no matter what, he deserves someone better than me. I'm too fucked up and broken...I don't really know how or why he can love me."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This has been so hard; I really don't know how you went through this and raised me. I hope through all this you would be proud of me. You know, I joined SVU for you, Mom, because you never got closure or justice. I thought that if maybe by doing this job, it meant that there would be one less survivor struggling and living in fear like you did and that would make it a bit better. I know how you would stay up at night and cry. You tried to hide it from me but I heard you. For a long time I thought you cried because of me…I know I have his eyes. I blamed myself for so long for your drinking and depression. But I understand now. It wasn't my fault or your fault…Mom I finally understand…"

Her voice trailed off and she took a deep breath. She looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was starting to set. Autumn in New York was a time of change and transition. How fitting and cliché. Damn it, you really are pathetic, Olivia bitterly thought.

She shook her head and looked back down at her mother's gravestone. She ran her hand over the smooth granite stone finding a bit of comfort as she touched. "I know we had our problems and we went through some very bad things. But I want you to know that you were one of the bravest women I ever knew. I never told you that and I wish I did. You tried so hard to provide for me and through it all you taught me about strength. I love you, Mom."

"God…I really wish you were here right now. You have no idea how much I need you. I know you are probably thinking Olivia you sound like a broken record. I don't know what to do. There are moments where I want the pain to end and I think about eating my gun. But I realize that means he wins and all that I have worked so hard for would be for not…"

Olivia couldn't hold back any longer and left out a heavy sob. "I've been trying not to cry. I don't want people to see me as a victim. I want people to see me as the strong independent detective they seen me as before all this. I don't want people to see me as weak because I'm not weak. I tried so hard to fight back but I just couldn't stop him. I can't keep holding it all in; I can't do this anymore. I'm losing myself. It just can't keep going this way…William Lewis raped me."

By saying those last few words, whatever was holding her back was released. Her attack and her survivorship became real. She fell to her knees and began to cry. She cried for her mother and most importantly for the first time she cried for herself. She cried to absolve herself of months of shame, guilt, and pain.

Rafael stood off in the distance, watching her, listening to her, waiting. His heart broke hearing her declare herself unworthy to be loved, too damaged, and wanting to die. To him, she wasn't damaged, she was worthy to have happiness and worthy to live. He couldn't bear to watch her suffer alone any longer; he needed to be there with her. And at this moment, Olivia needed him more than she could ever admit.

He walked towards her up the small knoll where her mother was buried. "Liv…" he whispered. He knelt down and reached for her hand.

"Rafael…I…" She tried to regain her composure, but she felt herself slipping again.

He cut her off, "Shh…it's okay. I'm here." He helped her up and pulled her into his embrace. He held her tight as she buried her face into his chest. She cried.

Olivia finally pulled back and looked at Rafael. "How did you know I was here?"

"Does it really matter? He replied softly as he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"I guess not."

"Are you okay?"

"Not really but I think I will be. I am ready to go home."

 


	3. Moment of Surrender

_We set ourselves on fire…Oh God, do not deny her…It's not if I believe in love…If love believes in me. Oh, believe in me…_

_~U2, Moment of Surrender_   
  


_ Early October 2013 _

"Olivia, welcome back! I am glad you are here. How have you been? It's been a couple weeks...are you sleeping better?" Dr. Lindstrom said smiling warmly at his patient. "Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?"

"No thank you. I'm okay…well not really…" Olivia sighed. She hated this place. This office was cold and dark. The sun never shined in here. "These past few weeks haven't been good ones."

"Why? What has been going on? Is it your job?"

"It's not my job. It's something else." She hoped he would let it go and ask her about the nightmares or how she was handling the retirement of one of her dearest friends. She just didn't want Dr. Lindstrom to ask about _him_.

"Olivia…what's going on? Are you and Rafael having problems? Did you guys have a fight? Did he do something?"

There is was. He crossed the line and asked. Olivia wasn't okay with this. "No!" She fired back forcefully. "He didn't hurt me! He never has…" Her voice trailed off into the sound of intense sadness.

Dr. Lindstrom frowned. He sensed that Olivia's words were linked to a bigger issue. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really." She huffed.

"You can't help yourself if you don't talk about what is bothering you. We have been through this before. It will help you in your recovery."

"Fine…if you insist. We had a fight…well it wasn't really a fight. It was more of me losing control. He left crumbs on the counter after making toast and I lost it. I don't know why but I just lost it. I screamed at him. Over crumbs! What the hell is wrong with me? " Olivia turned away from Dr. Lindstrom. She felt so ashamed and frustrated.

"Nothing is wrong with you Olivia. We can work more on tempering your anger so you don't lose control like this. It is the same thing when you are at work. Now how did Rafael respond? Did he yell at you?" Dr. Lindstrom's voice was steady.

"This isn't work. He is not some perp…this is different." She was annoyed by his question and by his tone. How could he even suggest that this was like work?

"I know but how you address the anger and deal with triggers can be the same. How did Rafael respond to your outburst?" He asked again.

"He just stood there and looked at me. I have never seen him so sad before. All he said was that he was sorry and he could clean up next time." Her voice was shaky. "I can't believe he just stood there. Before…before Lewis…when we would argue, he would push back if I pushed. Then we always ended up laughing at each other. But today, he just stood there. Why? Why can't we go back to how it used to be? The way it was before."

"Because things have changed. Perhaps, he doesn't want to fight because he thinks somehow he'd hurt you."

"Maybe…I don't know..."

"Does this maybe have to do anything with your mom?" He asked softly.

Olivia froze and her body stiffened. Dr. Lindstrom knew he struck a nerve. He watched her as she thought through his question.

"You really are going for the homerun of questioning today aren't you?" Olivia retorted.

"You know I am just trying to help you through this, Olivia. There is no hidden agenda." Dr. Lindstrom reassured her.

"I know and I am sorry. See my mom used to yell at me that way but I'm not her." Olivia sounded more as if she was trying to convince herself of this reality rather than speaking a simple truth.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Lindstrom asked. Olivia rarely spoke of two things in her sessions with him, her mother and her relationship with Rafael. When pressed before she would reply that these two relationships were too personal. But today things changed. This openness was hopefully a turning point in her recovery.

"My mom didn't handle things well. Me…I'm trying to find a way to get through this. But today I scared myself. When I snapped, I didn't sound like me. I sounded like her when she used yell at me. And Rafael, he had the same look that I would have when she lost it." Her voice hiccupped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know he blames himself for this. He blames himself for too many things these days."

"This is all part of the healing process. It is hard but you are working on it and are trying. May I ask you something…before this fight, when was the last time you two have any kind of argument or fight?"

"Right before I got home _the night_."

"You mean the night that Lewis took you?"

"Yes. Rafael wanted to take me out to dinner but I didn't want to go. I was a bit angry with him after what happened in court. I mean I know it wasn't his fault that the judge ruled the way that she did but I took it out on him. He told me I was being ridiculous and I needed to stop." Olivia shook her head. "That just made me more upset at him. I said to him, you know what maybe we shouldn't see each other tonight. He thought it was probably a good idea too since we both ended up pissed at each other. But the thing is usually we never slam the phone down or hang up on each other when we are mad. This time when I told him I loved him, he hung up." Olivia's voice was pained as she fought back the tears. She didn't want to cry again today.

_ Early November 2013 _

Olivia looked miserable. Dr. Lindstrom hadn't seen her look this upset since the early days of their sessions together. He could tell she hadn't really slept in a long while and he noticed something was missing. "I saw the news about Rafael's friends. I'm sorry about that. How are you guys doing?"

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know where to begin. The Munoz case opened wounds her and Rafael weren't prepared for in more ways than one. To say it caused problems would be an understatement.

"I can sense things aren't okay. Your ring is missing. Olivia, I'm so sorry."

"That was my call." Her voice was unnervingly steady and was almost distant.

"What happened? Why did you remove your ring?" Dr. Lindstrom inquired.

"Rafael...he is a gentle man…when he is outside the courtroom, he is such a warm hearted loving person. He has been really good to me. But I just think he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who isn't lost in her own head most of the time. He deserves someone who doesn't yell at him or pushes him away. I just got thinking about it all so I took off the ring this morning."

"I understand but you seem to be trying to talk yourself out of your relationship with him. It is clear you care for him. Also from what little you have told me about him, I can sense he has strong feelings for you and he really cares for you. This all seems like it's out of left field. You shouldn't be afraid of what you are feeling."

"I love him but I can't…."

"Can't or won't?"

"No! Damnit. This is hard." Olivia was frustrated.

"Why is it hard?"

"I mean…I…I'm scared, okay! I never felt this way about anyone before and I am scared he is going to leave me. I know about his ex, Yelina. I know she came to see him last week." She sounded defeated.

"Yelina Munoz? Alex Munoz's wife?"

"Yes. He came home one night smelling of perfume. I knew it was her…I don't blame him…"

"That doesn't mean anything Olivia." Dr. Lindstrom squeezed Olivia's hand.

"I am really scared that he is tired of waiting around for me especially now that she showed up in his life again. I am trying so hard but it seems I take one-step forward and two steps back. He said he would be here for as long as it takes but what if I'll never be okay. I can't do this to him. That's why it's best, I end it this, and that's why I took off the ring."

_ Mid- November 2013 _

They walked to Dr. Lindstrom's office in silence. She reached for his hand and stroked it gently with her thumb. Holding his hand gave her comfort. She wondered if he knew just how much it meant to her. She wished she could tell him but it hurt too much. She glanced over at him but quickly turned away when he caught her looking. She really couldn't imagine her life without him now but her fears and self-doubt have pushed them down this path. They both knew they were at a breaking point.

They were almost there when Olivia finally broke their silence. "Thank you for doing this." She said softly.

Rafael nodded and smiled. He was very unhappy with this idea. The thought of telling a stranger his innermost personal feelings and secrets annoyed him. He just wasn't ready to talk about some things. But this solely wasn't about him. As uncomfortable as this whole process made him, he was willing to give it a shot. It was for her and for them after all.

They reached the door to Dr. Lindstrom's office. Before opening the door, Rafael stopped and turned to Olivia. "You ready?"

"No time like the present."  
...

"Olivia, Rafael, thank you for coming! I am glad both of you made it today. This is very important step in Olivia's healing process and in her learning how to work through what has happened. Now Rafael, Olivia has mentioned to me your relationship has been going through a rough patch. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think everything is okay?" Dr. Lindstrom began.

"If everything was okay then we wouldn't be here now would we?" Rafael snapped. The doctor's tone irked Rafael. He wanted to throttle the guy but his anger faded when he looked at Olivia. She was falling apart before his eyes; it was breaking his heart.

"Rafael? Why are you doing this?" Olivia jumped in. Her voice was pained.

"Why am I doing what? I don't…" He was confused.

"No." She interrupted him. "Let's just get to the point of all of this. I mean why are you staying with me? This isn't working anymore. You deserve someone you can have a real relationship with… This…I mean I'm a train wreck. I want crawl out of my skin almost every day. We haven't had a normal relationship since it all happened. I haven't been able to kiss you in months. What if we can never have sex again? I can't expect you to wait around for me. Is this really what you want? "

Rafael sighed sadly. "Why are you worrying about this? I'm not worrying about it. Liv, I am staying with you because I want to be with you. I told you that before and I mean it. I love you and nothing will change that. And this is a _real_ relationship. What else would it be?"

"Pity…guilt…"

"Pity? You know me. You know I don't pity anyone. Why would this change now?"

"I don't know…" Her voice was barely audible.

"Why did you say guilt?"

"I can see it in your face every day, Rafael. Every time I struggle with something…I sense the guilt from you. I know it's because of Lewis."

Rafael got up out of the chair and walked towards the window. He couldn't face Olivia or her doctor at this moment.

"Rafael, is that true? Do you feel responsible for all of this?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Rafael looked out the window as he struggled to find an answer. He sighed and finally answered with a simple yes.

"No." Olivia suddenly felt sick. It seemed as though one of her innermost fears was confirmed with one simple word. She began to panic. "Rafael, be honest with me. If you want out of this relationship, tell me now. I don't want you staying with me because of guilt. I can't do this. Don't lie to me."

Rafael turned back to her. He studied her face for a moment before approaching her. He kneeled down in front of Olivia. He reached for both of her hands. She turned away.

"Liv…please look at me." He gently pleaded, "The day I first met you…the day Harris brought you to the court house…I started to fall for you. And the moment I realized I loved you was when I saw you how gentle you were with the children during that Hell's Kitchen kidnapping case last year. You were so caring and kind. You were and still are absolutely amazing. What happened to you doesn't change that. I just wish I could have protected you. I failed you." Rafael was trying hard to keep himself together and fight back the tears. He let go of her hands and returned to his chair. His heart was hurting. This was much more painful and difficult than he ever imagined. If he hurt this badly, he couldn't truly imagine what Olivia must have been feeling.

"What about Yelina? I know she came to your office that night. I smelt the perfume."

Rafael was caught off guard. "What? You think that she and I…No! Why would you think that? God Olivia…she and I have been over for a long time. Nothing happened between us that night. She has her family with Alex. She was a big part of my past but you are all that matters to me. Please believe me." He was desperate.

"If I matter to you then why did you hang up on me that night?"

"I didn't hang up on you. I swear! My phone cut out. I tried calling you back but you didn't answer. I thought it was best if I let you be alone for a bit and not push…"

"Rafael what happened afterwards? Did you try to call or go to Olivia's apartment? Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Rafael focused on Dr. Lindstrom. "Not at first. But then I started to worry. When I couldn't get a hold of her, I called Captain Cragen. After that, it seemed like all hell broke loose. I thought I was going to lose my mind."

Rafael turned to face Olivia. "Liv, when they told me it was Lewis, I knew this was my fault. I should have got the guy in court. I had him but the judge... I should have gone to your place after my phone dropped your call. I prayed and wished he had taken me instead. When Cragen called me, told me that found you, and were bringing you back to the city…I didn't care about keeping our relationship a secret any longer. I didn't care if it meant I could lose my job. I needed to be with you. I beat the ambulance there. And Cragen and Nick waited with me until you were out of surgery when they fixed your shoulder." Rafael began to crack. He couldn't fight it much longer.

"Rafael…" Olivia whispered.

"I promised you that I would be there for you every step of the way. Do you remember what I said, Olivia, that night when you woke up? Please tell me you remember? Please?" He begged as he started to cry.

Olivia tried to speak but her words were lost. She lowered her head

Rafael surrendered to his pain. He didn't want an audience to see his impending breakdown, especially Olivia. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm sorry Olivia. I do love you but I can't…" Rafael headed for the door.

"Rafael, wait!" She called out to him as he darted from the doctor's office. She took off after him. She feared her lack of response was the last straw and he wouldn't come back. She found him standing by the elevator. He looked completely dejected and hurt and it was all her fault.

His back was to her. "Mi amor por siempre…" Olivia said in a voice barely above a whisper.

Rafael slowly turned around. "What did you just say?" He asked in an almost desperate tone. He wasn't sure if he heard her right. Did she remember?

"Mi amor por siempre. That is what you said to me that night in the hospital. I remember. You never let go of my hand the whole night…You never hurt me, Rafael. You stayed with me to make me feel safe. Just like you always have…" Olivia's voice trailed off as she looked into his eyes.

"Liv…please believe me."

She saw the sadness in his eyes and felt the hurt in his voice. "I do," She said softly, "I never should have doubted you…doubted us. I just…I just got scared about everything."

He closed his eyes and nodded.

She reached for his hand and pulled him close. "You and I…we'll get through this…together," she whispered. She fought back her fears and leaned in to kiss him. The kiss was hesitant and gentle.

When Olivia broke away, Rafael gave her a warm smile and replied, "Together."


	4. In Search of Sunrise

_Wait a minute, baby…stay with me awhile…you said you give light but you never told me about the fire." ~Stevie Nicks_

**_ Manhattan March 2014 _ **

Pre-dawn light shined through the window and hit Olivia's face, causing her to wake. She was startled and disoriented. For a brief moment, she thought she had overslept and was going to be late for work. Once she got her bearings, she glanced at the clock and let out a groan. 6:23 am. It was the first day of her vacation and she couldn't even sleep in. She sighed and tried to settle down to squeeze out a few more hours of sleep before facing the day.

Next to her, Rafael was unfazed by the world around him and snored softly. Olivia couldn't help but smile. Even when he slept, Rafael found a way to make his presence known. She moved closer to him and rested her head and arm on his bare chest. She found herself gently running her fingers through his small patch of chest hair.

Rafael shifted; Olivia's touch caused him to stir. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around Olivia, pulling her close. "Good morning," he yawned.

"Good morning to you too." Olivia smiled as she leaned into him.

"Have you finished packing yet?" Rafael asked.

"Almost…just got a few small things to throw into the suitcase. I can't wait! Eight days of no work, no phone…just beach, ocean, and relaxation."

"Just us! It's going to be nice. I am sure this trip to the Bahamas will be better than the last one," Rafael joked.

"Can we not talk about that?" Olivia sighed.

Rafael smiled as he leaned and kissed her on her lips. Olivia returned his kiss as she slid her tongue past his lips, meeting his tongue, exploring his mouth. The kiss was hot and hungry.

As Olivia slowly pulled away, the kiss left Rafael breathless. It was the first time in a long time that she kissed him this way; she wanted to let him know in no uncertain terms she was ready and wanted for more.

Just as Rafael was about to make a move, Olivia's phone began to ring. Olivia started to untangle herself from Rafael's embrace and reached for it.

"Don't answer it," Rafael protested as he reached for her, "They can survive without calling you in."

"I need to…it's Cragen calling," Olivia said as she tapped the button on her phone to answer,

"Hey Captain…"

Rafael signed in frustration. This was supposed to be _their_ time. So many times work had interrupted their plans, he hoped today would be different. He rolled over on his back and half listened to Olivia's conversation with her boss.

"Olivia…I need to talk to you. You can either come down to the station or I can tell you now." His tone was pained.

Olivia moved to the edge of the bed and sat up. She knew immediately something was very wrong. "Cap…what's wrong? Did someone get hurt? Is it Nick?"

"No your partner's fine, everyone in the squad is fine. It's Vanessa Mayer."

"What about her?" Olivia's was slightly irked at the sound of her name.

"She committed suicide three nights ago."

"What? No! Why…how?" Olivia was unsure if she heard correctly.

"The cops in Brooklyn found her. A single bullet to the head. They found a note in her apartment next to her body. In it, she said she was sorry for all the trouble and pain she caused. She mentioned you specifically. She said you were right all along and she couldn't live with what she had done. Her mother called me to tell me the news this morning. I had to tell you now, Liv. I wanted you to hear it from me first before it got out to the press."

"I don't…I can't…" Olivia shook her head in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. Not now.

"There is one more thing…" Cragen hesitated.

She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what else the captain had to tell her. Olivia swallowed hard. "What else?"

"Mrs. Mayer…she asked about you."

"She did?" Olivia sounded surprised. Given all that Mrs. Mayer endured, Olivia thought she would be the last person Mrs. Mayer would ever ask about.

"She wants to talk to you…today if possible."

Olivia was stunned. "She what?"

"You heard me Olivia, she wants to see you. She said you would understand. I will text you her address."

"...okay…Captain…I need to go," Olivia ended the phone call before Cragen could reply. She placed her phone down on the nightstand. The buzz of the promised text message jarred her slightly.

Olivia pushed herself off the bed. She was rattled and Rafael knew it. "Liv…" Rafael called to her, only to have her shake her head in response as she walked out of the bedroom. Rafael frowned. He wanted to follow her but Rafael decided it was best to give Olivia a moment to herself before asking her about her conversation with her boss.

Outside of their bedroom, Olivia headed out to the small balcony off the living room window. She needed some air and some space. She inhaled deeply, letting the cool morning air fill her lungs. She looked out over the city towards the Hudson River.

This was her favorite spot in their apartment. She sometimes teased Rafael that the balcony was the only reason she agreed to live with him. This was more than just a spot with a great view for her. Before Lewis, Rafael and Olivia spent many nights drinking wine and sharing with each other some of their inner most secrets. They both felt safe here. It was here where he told Olivia how sometimes he felt out of place living in Manhattan and about life growing up in public housing in the South Bronx. And it was here where Olivia told him about her past and how she always wanted to see Paris. This was the place they shared their first kiss. This was the place where together they plotted and dreamed of a life outside of New York City and SVU where they could be just be Olivia and Rafael without barriers and without the demons of their past and their jobs. It was their spot.

After her assault, this balcony was her refuge. She spent many hours out here alone on days when Rafael was at work. She loved looking out across the city and thinking about all the people below. Ever since she was a little girl, Olivia often daydreamed of people she never would meet leading lives very different from hers.

Sometimes she came here to think and collect her thoughts. This morning was one of those days. She hadn't thought about Mrs. Mayer or Vanessa in a long while. She tried very hard to block that part of her ordeal out of her mind but now the memories came rushing back. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Olivia gripped the railing tightly and lowered her head. She let out a deep sigh as she felt a single tear run down her cheek.

"Liv?" He called softly to her. She didn't turn around; she was lost in thought. He called to her again "Liv…do you want a blanket? It's kinda chilly."

She turned around and saw Rafael climbing out onto the balcony. "No. I'm not cold, thank you," she whispered. "Can you…can you just stay out here with me for a little bit, please?" She sounded vulnerable and sad.

"Sure can. So what's going on? What did Cragen have to say?" Rafael asked gently.

"He called to tell me about Vanessa Mayer."

"What about her?" Rafael's reaction was similar to Olivia's earlier.

"She's dead. She committed suicide the other day."

"How?"

"Single gunshot wound to the head." Olivia closed her eyes as she let the words she just spoke sink in.

"Damn." Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. For once, he couldn't think of anything else to say. Nothing seemed appropriate. He studied Olivia's face and noticed she was struggling.

"There's more...Mrs. Mayer…she wants me to come visit her today."

"She what? But why?"

It was time to tell Rafael the whole truth about what happened that night at the Mayers' house. "I think I might know…I'm pretty sure she wants to talk about that night." Olivia's voice cracked and she started to cry. "There was more that happened that night than I told you."

Rafael walked over to her and put his hand on her back. "You were there when he attacked them. I know it was horrific."

"No. It was more than just being there," Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes before continuing. "He made me watch as he raped Mrs. Mayer." Her stomach lurched.

"Oh God, Liv." Rafael shook his head in shock.

"And if I couldn't keep my eyes open, he cut and burned her." Olivia felt ashamed. This detail of her attack bothered and ate at her more than anything. She was a NYPD officer, she was supposed to protect people, and she failed. She silently prayed Rafael would not pass judgment on her.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His tone was gentle much to Olivia's relief.

"I just couldn't talk about it. It hurt too much."

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight. "That's okay. I understand." After a few moments of silence, Rafael asked, "Are you going to go visit her?"

"She asked me to."

"But do you want to?

"I don't have a choice."

Rafael sighed. He wondered if this was a good idea at this particular moment. She finally seemed to have solid footing and seemed to be moving forward, would this cause a setback? And what does this mean for their trip to the Bahamas, the trip she had been looking forward to for the past two months? He just didn't want her to hurt anymore. "Whatever you think is best," he whispered, "Anything for you."

Long Island, New York

They drove to Mrs. Mayer's house out on Long Island in silence. Olivia wanted to make the trip alone but Rafael insisted on tagging along. Instead of arguing, she caved to his persistence.

As they pulled up to her house, Rafael watched Olivia carefully. She didn't look at him. She was lost in deep thought again as she stared at Mrs. Mayer's front door. The deeper she went the more she rubbed and picked at the scar on her left wrist.

"How long are you going to pick at that scar?" He finally asked.

His voice startled her and caused her to flinch. "Uh? Oh, I didn't realize I was even doing it. I'm sorry."

"Please don't say you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for…I am just worried about you. Are you sure you want to do this?" Rafael said as he reached for her hand.

Olivia pulled away and sighed. "I told you, I need to do this."

"For you or for her?"

"Yeah…" Olivia said as she opened the door to the car.

Before Rafael could respond, Olivia slammed the car door and walked towards the house. He let out a heavy sigh. "I'll wait here," he whispered.

As Olivia approached the front door, her heart began to race. In her mind, Olivia knew this was a different house then where she and Mrs. Mayer endured Lewis' onslaught but her mind kept taking her back to that house on that night. She was struggling to breathe and she began to panic. This was a bad idea, she thought to herself. There was still time to turn around and return to the car.

She hesitated for a moment when Mrs. Mayer opened the door. "Detective Benson! Please come in." Mrs. Mayer's voice was gentle and kind. It caught Olivia off guard.

"Mrs. Mayer…I…"

Mrs. Mayer cut Olivia off before she could finish. "I know you are wondering why I asked you to come visit." Mrs. Mayer said softly.

"To be honest, yes."

"Please follow me." Mrs. Mayer led Olivia from the hall into the living room. It was a large room that was painted a soft blue with cherry wood paneling. The furniture looked soft and inviting. Family pictures darted the walls. The room felt warm and comfortable.

Mrs. Mayer reached for a photograph and handed it to Olivia. Immediately she recognized Vanessa with her red hair and her blue eyes. She resembled her mother. The other two were clearly Vanessa's sister and brother. Olivia studied the photograph.

Mrs. Mayer took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "Those are my children, Detective. My son, Michael, he works for an engineering firm in Albany. He lives there with his beautiful wife and my three grandkids. My daughter Sarah lives in New Mexico, she teaches at the university there. And Vanessa, she was my baby. She was the surprise. After I had Sarah, the doctors told my husband and me that we couldn't have any more children. You can say we were shocked when I got pregnant with Vanessa." Mrs. Mayer chuckled. "The Vanessa you knew, that wasn't her. I want you to know the Vanessa I knew, the daughter I raised and loved. Vanessa, she was a sweet girl who loved horses and musicals. She wanted to be a lawyer so she could help people. She truly thought everyone deserved a fair shot and everyone could be saved. All this changed when she met _him._ He changed her…destroyed her, broke her spirit. She was my daughter and I love her."

Mrs. Mayer...I am truly…"

"No. Stop! Please don't apologize, just please understand that Vanessa was more than Will...his lawyer." After all this time, she still couldn't say his name.

"This isn't all about your daughter is it?" Olivia studied Mrs. Mayer's face, she could sense Mrs. Mayer wanted to and needed to talk about something else. However, Mrs. Mayer ignored Olivia's words and summoned her to follow her into the kitchen.

She offered Olivia a seat at the kitchen table. "Please, have a seat. Would you like some iced tea? I just made it before you came."

Olivia pulled out a chair and sat down and she kindly took Mrs. Mayer up on her offer. As she took the glass, she watched the older woman closely.

Mrs. Mayer sat down across from Olivia and reached for her hand. "Olivia, I asked you to come see me today because I need to talk to you. Are you okay? I just need to know. What happened that night…what you saw and what happened to me, what happened to you…" Tears began to form in her eyes.

Olivia was not expecting Mrs. Mayer to be concerned about her. Her tone was sincere and genuine. Olivia more expected to be on the receiving end of her anger and rage. "I think I should be the one asking you that question." Olivia frowned. "Are you doing okay?"

"Not as well as I hoped. Even before Vanessa's death, it had been hard. Trying to cope with the loss of my husband and what happened to me was almost too much to bear. My kids were here with me every step of the way."

"I'm glad your kids were there for you. It means a lot to have someone by your side," Olivia said softly.

"How about you? How are you _doing_?"

Olivia didn't want to talk about her recovery. She hated talking about herself but this wasn't solely about her. She wasn't Lewis' only victim. "I'm…I'm doing okay," Olivia sighed. "It's been really hard. I am lucky that I have someone who has been with me the whole time and has been very understanding."

"That man who you left outside in the car? He's that district attorney isn't he?"

Olivia smiled, "Yeah. That's Rafael."

Mrs. Mayer noticed a subtle change in Olivia's voice. "You love him don't you?"

"How did you know?" Olivia was caught off guard.

"I'm a mother…we catch these things," Mrs. Mayer chuckled slightly.

The two sat in silence for a few moments before Olivia's voice broke through. "Mrs. Mayer…I need to know something…" Olivia's voice was shaky. This was going to be difficult and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know the answer but she had to ask. "I need to know if you blame me for what happened."

Mrs. Mayer shook her head. "What? No, dear! I never even considered that. Why do you ask?"

Olivia looked down at the table avoiding Mrs. Mayer's gaze. "I just…I just feel like I failed to protect you. Lewis did all those things because I couldn't do my job."

"Your job? He had you restrained. You were hurt."

"I tried to keep my eyes open, I tried to stay awake. I just couldn't. I'm a police officer and it's my job to protect and help people in trouble. He hurt you because of me," Olivia's voice cracked.

"Oh honey. I never blamed you. I saw how you were in bad shape. I honestly didn't think you were going to make it…I didn't think I was going to make it."

"Me either," Olivia admitted. "When I found out you had survived, I was so relieved. But you were…"

Mrs. Mayer interrupted, "I know. I know." Mrs. Mayer reached for Olivia's hand and they both begin to cry.

Olivia hastily wiped her tears away. "I'm really tired of crying. I have spent so many hours, days, crying and hurting. I'm just so frustrated."

Mrs. Mayer whispered, "Me too."

"Does it ever feel to you that sometime you are running as fast as you can but then you realize you haven't gone anywhere? You are just standing still and you wonder what's the point," Olivia lamented.

Mrs. Mayer nodded, "All the time. I struggle with taking things one day at a time. The nights are always the hardest. On the bad nights, I tell myself if I can make it to sunrise, I know I will be okay. Search for your sunrise, Olivia. You will be okay. We survived the assault; we will survive this."

**_Three Days Later_ **

Harbour Island, The Bahamas

Rafael rolled over reaching for Olivia when he noticed she was missing. He sat up and saw that the back door was cracked open. He pushed himself off the bed to find her. Since her visit to Mrs. Mayer, Olivia seemed calmer but she had been quiet. She didn't tell him about what they talked about. She only told him that she was glad that she went. He figured if she wanted him to know more, she would tell him when she was ready.

He stepped outside and saw Olivia standing alone on the beach. He made his way towards her as she stood overlooking the ocean. Olivia watched the sun off in the distance as it began to rise from beyond the horizon. She listened to the gentle waves roll in and break on the beach. She dug her feet in the cool wet sand. She liked the way it felt between her toes.

Rafael was right; this trip was already shaping up to be better than her last time to the Bahamas.

Rafael came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his head on her shoulder as Olivia let out a soft sigh and grabbed his hands. "Hey you," Rafael smiled.

"Hey yourself," Olivia grinned.

"What are you doing down here by yourself?"

"I'm thinking about something Mrs. Mayer said to me."

Rafael hugged her tighter. "Yeah?"

"She told me to search for sunrise each day and things will be okay"

"Was she right?"

"I think so. I can say that I am actually okay and I can honestly say I am happy." She stroked Rafael's forearms.

"Good. You know, I love you," Rafael whispered into Olivia's ear.

"I love you too. Stay with me."

"Of course."

They stood on the beach and watched the sunrise together. Olivia took a deep breath inhaling the sweet salty air. The warmth filled her lungs and as she slowly exhaled, she felt herself let go of all the pain and hurt she had been carrying with her since her attack. For the first time in months, Olivia Benson finally felt whole again.

 


	5. Into the Heart

“Into the heart of a child, I stay awhile but I can't go there…Into the heart of a child, I can smile, I can't go there…” ~U2

 

**_*Author’s Note- This might require some tissues! I apologize in advance! Also thanks to Lexi for her support and encouragement! Much appreciated!_ **

****

****

**_ March, Harbour Island, the Bahamas, Mid-March2014 _ **

Rafael poured two glasses of rum and before walking out the back door. Outside he found Olivia sitting in one of the two chairs on the back desk of their little beach house. He brought the drinks over to her. "One rum on the rocks for you," Rafael said as he handed her one of the glasses and took a seat next to her.

"The ocean is beautiful, isn't it?" Olivia smiled as she took the glass.

"It definitely is. I can't believe this is our last night here. I'm not ready to go back," Rafael said in a wistful tone.

"I'm not ready to go back either. I wish we could stay here forever." Olivia reached out for Rafael's hand and squeezed it gently.

Rafael returned the gesture by holding her hand and stroking the side with his thumb. He looked at her and gave her a soft smile. "Liv, I am really glad we took this trip together. After everything these past few months…" Rafael's voice trailed off.

"I'm glad we did this too. These past few months have been hell. I don't think I could have gotten through this without you," Olivia said softly.

"You know you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I saw how hard you worked in your recovery. You did this. I am so proud of you."

"Through all this, Rafael, you never stopped loving me. You could have walked away even when I pushed you away. But you stood by me."

"I do love you. With all my heart."

"I love you too."

"Oh! I almost forgot! Hang on one second!" Rafael said as he jumped to his feet and rushed off back into the house.

Olivia watched him run off. She was slightly confused but yet curious. Rafael returned a few moments later with a small box. He handed it to her, "This is for you. I hope you like it."

Olivia slowly opened the box and found a necklace similar to the one she lost when Lewis took her. "Oh my gosh, Rafael!" Olivia felt the tears form in her eyes. "It's just like the one that I…" Her voice trailed off as she stared at it.

"Do you like it?" He asked.

"Yes I do! Very much! Thank you! God I am so lucky to have you." Olivia said as she got to her feet and hugged him tightly. She rested her head on his shoulder, as they stood wrapped in each others' arms.

Olivia took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, pulling back slightly. She reached up and gently grabbed Rafael's face. She pulled him close and kissed him hard. Her tongue pushed past his lips meeting his. Rafael was caught by surprise. This kiss was hungrier than that kiss they shared in their apartment just a short time before. Olivia was determined to not be denied by a phone call or anything else tonight.

As she slowly broke off their kiss, Olivia looked into Rafael's eyes with a burning desire. A desire she hadn't felt since her assault. Again, Olivia left him breathless, leaving him barely able to say her name.

Without saying a word, she took his hand and led him inside to the bedroom. As they entered, she guided Rafael to the end of the bed. He sat down and she stood in front of him.

"Liv, are you sure you want to do this?" He wanted to make sure he wasn't going to hurt her in any way.

"I am very sure. I want this." She tried to keep her voice steady but Rafael could tell she was nervous.

"Okay," he said as he watched her.

As she stood before him, she slowly removed her shirt and shorts, and unhooked her bra. She tossed them to the side and stood before him naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable. She moved forward positioning herself between his legs. She stood still, staring at him, wondering how he would react.

Rafael swallowed hard and reached for her. He wanted to touch every inch of her and feel her soft skin.

She whispered his name as she took one of his hands and guided it to a spot just below her once injured shoulder. Rafael gently traced what remained of her surgical scar. The scar was slightly raised and different shades of red, pink, and beige. Olivia was proud of this scar. To her, it was reminder as to how she survived. As Rafael touched, it sent shock waves through her body. It made her feel alive again.

Rafael removed his hand from her scar and began to caresses her sides as he slid his hands towards her hips. Slowly he began leaving a trail of kisses down from her stomach to her waist. Olivia closed her eyes and let out a soft moan.

Rafael moved one of his hands to her inner thigh and he began to trace the scar that worried Olivia the most. Olivia looked down and watched Rafael as he leaned into kiss it. His touch was so gentle and tender. He wanted her make her comfortable and he wanted her to know that this scar changed nothing for him or for them.

As he pulled back, he moved his hand between her legs. He wanted to touch her and feel her arousal. "Olivia, may I touch you?" He asked as he looked up at her; his eyes meeting hers.

Olivia smiled, "Keep going."

Rafael worked his fingers between her folds and put two of his fingers inside of her. He moved them slowly to tease her, to make her wet and to make her hot. He knew it was working as she began to lean into his touch, wanting more. He picked up the pace and inserted a third finger into her. He wanted to send her over the edge. But before he could, Olivia pulled Rafael's hand away.

"Not yet," she whispered as she began to remove Rafael's shirt. His crucifix reflected the soft light as it rested against his chest. Olivia leaned in to kiss and nip at the base of his neck causing Rafael to sharply take in air. He loved it when she kissed him there. It always turned him on. While teasing Rafael with her mouth, she began touching his inner thigh and between his legs. She started to stroke him through his shorts; feeling him harden at her touch.

Rafael moaned, almost begging Olivia to keep going. "Please Olivia."

Olivia grinned and tugged at his shorts to free him. Once off, Rafael scooted back on the bed. He wanted Olivia to join him.

As she climbed on the bed, she suddenly froze. "Rafael?"

"What's wrong?"

"I don't think I am ready for how it used to be…can we just go slow tonight?"

"We can take it slow. We can do whatever you want tonight. I will follow your lead," Rafael smiled and said gently.

"Thank you." She was relieved.

She straddled him and slowly lowering herself onto him. Her breath hitched and Rafael let out a low pleasurable moan as she took him inside of her. It had been so long.

"Slow," Olivia whispered.

"Slow." Rafael nodded.

**_ New York City, Dr. Lindstrom's Office, Two weeks later, Late March 2014 _ **

"Welcome back Olivia!" Dr. Lindstrom smiled.

"Thank you, Doctor." Olivia said as she sat down across from him.

"How was your trip? You look well."

"The trip was wonderful. Rafael and I didn't want to come back. It was nice not having cell phones ringing in the middle of the night, no crime scenes to visit, or trials to prepare for. It was just me and him." She smiled softly.

"I see you have a new necklace. I assume Rafael gave you that. It's rather nice."

"He did…it's just like the one I lost during my attack. Rafael got it for me and told me how proud he was of me."

"He really loves you. How are things between you two? Are things okay?"

"Actually things are great. On this trip…we finally were able to take that next step together…" Olivia blushed slightly.

"That is very important, Olivia. How did you feel afterwards?"

Olivia paused for a moment and thought about her response. "It felt right. It felt like it was supposed happen that night. It was time. We took it slow and it was just how I hoped it would be. I knew he wouldn't hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable. He always makes me feel safe."

"I know how important feeling safe is to you. And you and Rafael taking this step together shows that you are moving in the right direction in your recovery and that you are healing. It also shows how much you trust Rafael," Dr. Lindstrom said gently.

Olivia nodded and gave a slight smile.

Dr. Lindstrom examined her face. He could tell something else was on her mind, "There is something else on your mind, Olivia. Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia looked away and shrugged. "When Rafael and I…when we had sex that night. We didn't use protection. Neither one of us considered it. I know that sounds so foolish, a SVU detective and a SVU ADA playing with fire like that…but these past few days…I really thought I was pregnant. Turns out I'm not."

"I can hear a bit of sadness in your voice. Were you hoping the outcome was something different?"

"Yes. Well sort of…I don't know," Olivia sighed. "For these past few days, I imagined Rafael and I having a very different life than we do now, raising a child together. For the first time in my life, I imagined myself not being a cop. I pictured this world where Rafael still tried cases and I did victims' advocacy work and we had this beautiful baby. We would be a happy little family. But it's just a pipe dream now."

"Why do you say that? Does he know?"

"I don't think he wants kids…at least not right now. And why tell him about this? It was just me miscalculating my internal clock."

"You should talk to him. If you love him, he needs to know how you feel."

"Yeah…right…"

**_ Manhattan, Rafael and Olivia's Apartment-A week later, Early April 2014 _ **

"Hey Liv! I'm home and I brought some food." Rafael called out as he walked into their apartment. He noticed the window was open and Olivia was sitting outside on the terrace. He set the food down on the counter and poured himself a glass of scotch before joining her.

"Hey Rafael," Olivia said softly.

"Hey," he said giving her a slight smile as he sat down next to her. "Pippa told me about the hearing today."

"Yeah…I hope they find a good family to adopt Baby Boy Doe. He needs someone to care for him and love him," Olivia sighed sadly.

Rafael nodded in agreement, as he reached for Olivia's hand. "I am sure someone will step forward. There are a lot of people who want to have children. They will find someone who will love him and take care of him."

Olivia squeezed Rafael's hand. "I know…but what about us?"

"Liv…you know we can't adopt him. You were the main officer on the case. There are conflicts of interest."

"I didn't mean Baby Boy Doe. I know we can't…I wish we could but I know it's not possible. But what I meant was have you thought about having kids with me. When we talked about this before everything happened, you said you weren't sure. Do you still feel that way?"

Rafael hesitated for a moment. He wasn't entirely ready to have this conversation but here they were. "Back then, I really wasn't sure. I never thought about having kids really, before we had that talk. I just…I think that…"

Olivia cut him off, "I guess you still the same way." Her heart began to ache.

Rafael turned and looked directly at her. "I didn't say that. I was going to say…I was going to say that I think I want kids now."

"Oh my God! You do? You really do? What changed your mind?"

"You," Rafael said simply.

**_Manhattan, Hudson River Park- Two Months Later, Early June 2014_ **

It was a beautiful late Spring day in New York. The sun was shining bright and a few wispy clouds crossed the sky. As Olivia and Rafael walked along the path through the park, they linked their arms together, as they often did. This always felt natural to them, even before they were officially together. They only allowed each other to invade their personal space in such a way. It has always been _their_ thing.

They walked to a shaded spot overlooking the river in Hudson River Park before Olivia stopped him and led him to a lone stone bench.

As they set on the bench together, Olivia laced her fingers between Rafael's and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I really love this corner of a park here. This is one of the prettiest parts of the Hudson here in the City," Olivia commented thoughtfully.

Rafael nodded in agreement, "It is a pretty spot."

They sat in silence before Olivia spoke up, "Rafael, I need to talk to you."

Olivia's tone was very serious, causing Rafael concern. "Liv, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

Olivia turned to face him and took a deep breath. "I went to the doctor this morning."

"Okay. Something's wrong isn't it? Are you sick?" The fear in his voice was palatable. Ever since Lewis, Rafael's thoughts turned more fatalistic.

"No. Nothing's wrong, actually," Olivia reassured him as she started stroking part of his hand with her thumb.

"So what happened at the doctor's office?" Rafael asked.

"Well…you know how we have been trying for awhile…well it finally worked…guess what? I'm pregnant!" Olivia flashed a broad smile.

"Oh my God…we really are going to have a baby?" Rafael grinned as he pulled Olivia into a hug.

"We are," Olivia said as she rested her head on his chest as tears filled her eyes, "We definitely are."

An overwhelming feeling of love, happiness, and pride swept over him. Their little family now was going to become three. Rafael lifted Olivia's head and gently kissed her on her lips. As he pulled away and gently placed a hand on her stomach, he whispered, "Three is company."

**_ Four Months Later, October 2014 _ **

It had been a very long day. Rafael was exhausted. He hated working late nights like this. He vowed as it got closer to Olivia's due date and beyond, he was going to stop putting in these hours. But this upcoming trial was causing him a great deal of stress. The unreliable witness statements, inclusive forensics, among other things were making this case a nightmare for him.

Given how awful things were, he started thinking about transferring out of the Manhattan District Attorney's office. His old friend Connie told him about a possible opening with the Feds. The money and position were almost too good to be true. Maybe, he thought he would call her in the morning to talk to her about it. But for now, all he wanted to do was crawl in bed with Olivia and hold her in his arms and forget the world.

He walked into their bedroom, he saw Olivia lying on her side with the sheets and blanket bunched up at the foot of the bed. She had been restless. He wondered if she was okay.

"Liv?" He softly called to her.

"Mhmm." She groaned.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…I was just feeling a little uncomfortable earlier, so I tried to lay down and I just tossed and turned for a bit."

"Oh…I'm sorry I woke you," Rafael said as he started to shed his suit and tie.

"It's okay. Did you get your work done?" Olivia rolled over and propped herself up.

"Kind of…the case is a mess. I wish Fin and Amaro were able to bring me more evidence. I worry the defense is going to get the case thrown out. But it is what it is. The only thing I care about right now is crawling into bed with you," He smiled as he stood at the end of the bed in his t-shirt and boxers.

Olivia grinned, "I love it when you wear those Snoopy boxers. Who knew the fierce Rafael Barba had a soft spot for a cartoon beagle?"

"Let's just keep that between us okay? No one needs to know," Rafael laughed as he climbed in bed and snuggled next to Olivia.

"I'm glad you're home now," Olivia smiled as she let out a content sigh.

"Me too. And this is what I have been wanting to do all day." He leaned in and kissed Olivia gently.

Olivia smiled as Rafael's lips met hers. "For someone as gruff as you, you do have the softest lips."

Rafael laughed. "I'm glad you like them….hey Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind if…if I touch your tummy? I want to see if I can feel her moving around in there."

"Sure, but let me lay on my side. That way you can snuggle both of us," Olivia grinned as she rolled onto her side.

Rafael did as requested and held both Olivia and their baby in his arms. He ever so gently touched and stroked her stomach. It caused Olivia to let out a sigh. "Feel good?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"I'm glad," he said as he kissed the back of her shoulder. "So, I've been thinking about a few things today. It might change things in a big way for us."

"Things? What kind of things?" Olivia didn't like the sound of Rafael's word choices or the sudden change in the tone of his voice. He sounded much more serious now than just a brief moment ago.

"I talked to my old friend Connie Rubirosa recently. She told me that there is an opening coming up at the federal prosecutors' office. She said that she could pull some strings and it would be mine for the taking if I wanted it."

"The Feds? But what about SVU and Manhattan?" Olivia was a bit taken back.

"The pay is triple and the workload is more balanced out. It also means no more crazy late nights like this so I can be home with you and the baby."

"Are you sure about this? I guess if this is what you want to do, you know I will support you…but…" Olivia's voice trailed off.

"I know...but I just want to do what is right for you and our daughter…and for us. I just want to give you and her everything you deserve. I want to be a good fiancé soon to be husband and father. You two are my everything."

"Oh Rafael," Olivia whispered as she rubbed his arms. She leaned her head back onto his chest, "let me tell you a story…once there was a little boy lived in the South Bronx and seen things that no little boy ever should see. He fought every day to survive and to make it out of there. At the same time, a little girl was living just a little ways away from him in Manhattan. This little girl was living in her own form of hell. They both felt a lot of sadness and loneliness, hoping for a better life somewhere. When the little boy grew up, he got to meet that little girl. And they fell in love. He showed her a kind of love that she never knew existed in the world and she loved him back with every ounce of her entire being. Now they are going to have a beautiful little girl together. And she knows that he will be such an amazing father to their daughter and it makes her love him even more. Together they promised each other to give her everything they never had growing up and shower her with so much love."

"I love you, Liv."

"I love you too, very much. Things are going to work out," Olivia reassured him.

Rafael sighed. "I know."

Olivia smiled, "I do know one thing for sure; your love for our daughter right now is so strong.

"She is probably the most loved child in all of New York right now," Rafael grinned.

Olivia laughed, "And we wouldn't want it any other way."

Rafael gently rubbed Olivia's slightly protruding tummy. "Hey little girl, your mommy and I can't wait to meet you." Just then as if she was responding to the sounds of his voice, Rafael and Olivia felt her kick for the first time.

"Did you feel that?" Olivia was in awe. "She just kicked!"

"That was the most amazing thing I ever felt!" Rafael's heart swelled with pride.

_ New York Presbyterian Hospital- Three Days Later _

"Okay Olivia, I am going to put the gel on your stomach and then we are going to take a look at the ultra sound. I bet your baby's heart will be beating real strong today. She was doing great last time. She's just a little over sixteen weeks so she will be getting big." Dr. Strauss said warmly.

Olivia smiled as she squeezed Rafael's hand, "I can't wait to see her."

"Me either!" Rafael added.

"Alright you two, let me turn the screen on so we can see," Dr. Strauss said as he reached for the monitor.

"Look Liv! There she is!" Rafael was ecstatic.

Olivia couldn't help but laugh. "Rafael, I love how you get so excited every time."

Rafael smiled at Olivia. "I'm glad you enjoy it."

"Doctor, can we hear her heart beat?" Olivia asked.

"Sure. Just let me make sure the volume is up and let me try to get a good reading here." Dr. Strauss moved the wand over Olivia stomach trying to find their baby's heartbeat. "Huh," he mumbled.

"What's wrong?" Olivia clutched Rafael's hand tighter,

"Olivia, have you been feeling any pain or discomfort lately?" Dr. Strauss asked as he tried to make adjustments.

"No. Everything has been fine…well just a little. I mean nothing that would have caused concern, really. Just some minor aches and pain. What's going?" Olivia was nervous now. Something was starting to go very wrong.

Dr. Strauss took a deep breath before responding. "I can't find her heart beat."

"No." Rafael whispered as he began to panic.

Olivia left out a muffled cry.

"Olivia, take a deep breath. Please try to remain calm. Getting really upset might hurt the baby. Let me try something else here with the ultrasound. Hang on." Dr. Strauss repositioned the ultrasound wand, pressing harder into Olivia's stomach.

Rafael and Olivia waited with baited breathe.

Dr. Strauss shook his head.

"Is she…" Olivia couldn't even finish her question as she started to cry.

"I don't want to say either way right now without running some more tests. But I want you two to prepare for the possible worst case scenario. She may actually be gone," Dr. Strauss said sadly. He wasn't very confident that the other tests would yield a different result.

"More tests? How long before we know?" Rafael demanded.

"A few hours. Not much longer than that," the doctor promised.

_Three hours later_

Rafael sat at Olivia's bedside as they waited for the doctor to return with the news. He stroked her arm hoping it would comfort her. "Liv?"

"Yeah," she replied in a voice barely above a whisper.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm really scared right now. You?"

"The same."

A few minutes later, Dr. Strauss walked into the room holding a folder. His face was somber. "Olivia…Rafael…I have the results…"

Olivia sat up and held on to Rafael's arm. They both braced themselves for the news.

"I don't know how to say this but…she's gone. I'm so sorry." Dr. Strauss hung his head.

"No! She can't be gone! No! The tests have to be wrong!" Olivia broke down and grabbed onto Rafael as she cried.

"I'm really sorry. We checked everything twice." Dr. Strauss felt terrible. He absolutely hated this part of his job.

"How? I don't understand. Just a few days ago…just a few days ago, I felt her kick. She kicked. She was alive...our little girl was alive. She kicked…we felt it!" Rafael struggled to fight off the tears.

"Based on what we know…it was a combination of factors that led to this. Late miscarriages like this are rare but Olivia, it appears that you have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes pregnancy complications especially around 16 weeks. I am surprised it wasn't caught before now. This combined with your age, the prolonged stress of your job, and recent injures created an unfavorable situation." Dr. Strauss sighed.

Olivia shook herself in disbelief. This was too much. "So does this mean that it's my fault that she is gone? And that Rafael and I can never have children?"

Dr. Strauss walked over to Olivia's bedside and patted her hand. "No. What happened was not your fault. Things like this happen. There was nothing you or Rafael could do. And in terms of trying to get pregnant again…right now I'd advise against it. Your age increases risks to you and the baby."

Olivia looked up at Rafael, "I'm so sorry."

"Oh Liv. It's not your fault. You heard the doctor. Please don't blame yourself." Rafael said softly as he hugged her.

"There is one more thing that needs to be done in order to prevent you, Olivia, from getting really sick. We need to perform a dilation and curettage or a D and C. We need to get the baby and the placenta out of you. If not, you will be at risk for serve infection and heavy bleeding. We have you scheduled for tomorrow morning first thing. We want you to stay the night for observation and prep. If all goes well, you can go home tomorrow afternoon. So I am going to go now and let you two be. I know you two need some time. But before I go I wanted to leave some information on grieving and support groups for parents who lost children to miscarriages." Dr. Strauss set down the folder and quietly walked out of the room.

"Rafael…" Olivia called to him.

"Yeah?" Rafael replied as his gently stroked her back.

"You're going to stay with me tonight, right?"

"Of course."

"Can you lay with me?"

Without saying a word, Rafael climbed into Olivia's bed and wrapped his arms around her. Olivia rested her head on his chest as they cried together.

**_ Three Weeks Later- Early November2014 _ **

" _Hey there pretty girl!" Olivia smiled at their daughter, "Are you playing with Daddy? Where is he?" A small angelic faced child looked up at Olivia and let out a giggle._

_Olivia looked across the room and saw Rafael sitting on the floor waiting for their daughter to crawl to him. "Go get Daddy! He's waiting for you! Go get him, Sweetie."_

" _Come on baby girl! You can do it!" Rafael said excitedly as he tried to coax her over to him. As Rafael held out his arms, she began to crawl to him. When she finally reached him, Rafael picked her up and she squealed in delight. She just loved being held by her daddy. This truly was the best feeling in the world. Rafael felt so happy. Everything was just right._

_But then something happened, Rafael wasn't really sure what happened but everything changed. She began to cry. He tried everything to calm her down and to get her to stop. It seemed the more he tried, the harder she cried. Rafael began to panic. "Please baby, please stop crying. Please. Please, you know Daddy and Mommy love you…please don't be sad." Rafael found himself crying too and he had no idea why…_

Rafael jolted awake. He looked around him to try to get his bearings. When he realized what had just happened, his heart sank, and intense sadness overcame him.

He thought about waking Olivia but as he looked to her side of the bed, she was lost in sleep with her back to him. He let out a sigh and suddenly felt very alone.

He decided he couldn't stay in this room. He got out of bed and headed towards the kitchen. He needed something to dull pain and make him forget that dream. He grabbed the bottle of scotch from the cabinet along with a glass. He sat down at the table and poured himself a drink. No ice tonight, he wanted to feel the burn of the amber liquid as it slid down his thought. It would give him something to direct his focus.

It didn't work though, his mind went back to his dream. He kept seeing the smiling face of their little girl. She had his green eyes, Olivia's beautiful smile, their dark brown hair, and the most adorable chubby cheeks. Rafael knew that's what their daughter would have looked like if she lived.

_If she lived_ , three words Rafael hated. Those three words stabbed him in the gut each time.

He knew she would have been a happy baby just like the one in his dream. She would have been a daddy's girl because she had him wrapped around his finger the moment Olivia told him that he was going to be a father. He was convinced that Olivia would tell him that he's become a total softie by he wouldn't care. He just loved his daughter with all of his heart. Rafael found himself very close to tears.

Rafael wished that he was holding his daughter in his arms as he fed her a bottle at this moment instead of drinking this damn warm scotch alone. He wanted to sing to her the same Cuban lullabies his abuelita sang to him, his daughter's namesake. He would have taught her how to speak Spanish and to be proud of her Cuban heritage.

But he can't, the fates denied him this; denied him and Olivia a chance to be happy family. This pain was almost unbearable. He held his head in his hands and cried.

Olivia stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching Rafael weep. She knew she needed to comfort him but she wasn't sure if he would let her. She called out to him, "Rafael?"

Rafael looked up and saw Olivia. "What?" he asked as he tried to hastily wipe this tears away.

"What's wrong? You were crying," Olivia said as she made her way to the table to join him.

"I don't want to talk about it…" his voice trailed off.

"Tell me please," Olivia pleaded as she sat down next to him. She could tell he had been crying for a while. His eyes were puffy and red. "I know something is upsetting you. Talk to me, Rafael."

"I can't, Liv. It will hurt you," Rafael hung his head and stared at his glass of scotch.

"But whatever it is, it is hurting you," Olivia replied as she gently started stroking his arm, "It's about _her_ , isn't it?

Rafael squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears from failing from his eyes and slowly nodded his head.

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and held him close. "What about her?" She whispered.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes. I am worrying about you."

Rafael took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "I keep having dreams about her."

Olivia hugged him tight and rested her head on his shoulder. "The same one or different ones?"

"Different ones…the first one I had…I dreamt that it was right after she was born and you were holding her. She was this little pink bundle. She was so perfect and you and I were so happy. Then when it was time for me to hold her, you handed her to me and she just slipped right through my arms. And she hit the floor. I couldn't stop it and it killed her. " Rafael started to cry again.

"Oh God, Rafael."

" Every time, I tried to hold her, something would happen and she would be hurt or worse. Sometimes, she would be crying for me and I couldn't get to her. All of them…except the one I had tonight."

Olivia rubbed his back slowly, "What happened tonight?"

"I got to hold her," his voice hitched, "Liv, it was so real. Her face, her eyes, the smells…everything. She was right there. You were right there. She crawled to me and let me pick her up. And I held her and she was so happy." Rafael buried his face into Olivia's shoulder and wept.

"She had your eyes didn't she?" Olivia asked as she began to cry.

Rafael nodded.

"How long have you been having these dreams?"

"Since the night after we lost her."

"Oh."

A few minutes later, Olivia broke away from their embrace and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. Weeks of awkward tension and intense sadness stood between them.

"Rafael…what happened to us? Why didn't you tell me about these dreams in the beginning?" Olivia felt almost betrayed that he kept this from her. She didn't know why he would hold this back.

"I don't know. It just hurts so much. I miss her."

"I miss her too…but you need to talk to me. I can see how much you're hurting and how upset you are. I want to be there for you. Rafael I love you. I love you so much. We can't go at this alone. I can't mourn our daughter alone. You can't do it either. I need you,"

"I need you too," he whispered, "It just feels like we haven't had a chance to say goodbye to her. Everything has just been so much." Rafael reached out for Olivia. He took her in his arms and rested his forehead against hers.

"I know. We need to say goodbye to our baby together," Olivia said softly as a single tear slid down her cheek.

The next morning, Rafael and Olivia found themselves back at the same spot in Hudson River Park they visited four months ago. It was same spot where they shared one of the happiest moments of their lives together. The promises of happier days had been replaced by a sadness and pain that were almost unbearable.

Olivia had been crying since they arrived at the park and began their trek to their spot. She wrapped her arm around Rafael's left arm, while carrying a single pink rose in the other.

Rafael struggled to keep his composure and hid his eyes behind his dark sunglasses. He knew this was going to be harder than he originally thought.

For an Autumn morning in New York, it felt more like Spring. The sun was surprisingly warm but not overbearing and the river was calm. They walked off the path and moved closer to the river's edge. Olivia rested her head on Rafael's shoulder as they stood in silence for a while watching the world before them.

Olivia decided she was ready. She stood up straight and gripped Rafael's hand tight. It was time to say goodbye, "Hi sweet baby girl. Your daddy and I came here today to tell you how much we love you and how much we miss you. You came into our lives four months ago and made us so happy. You were the best thing to ever happen to us. Now…oh God…now you're gone,"

Olivia was struggling to speak through her tears. Rafael looked at her and squeezed her hand. "It's okay Liv, let it out," he tried to gently reassure her.

Olivia nodded and continued, "You might be gone now but you will always be our sweet little girl."

Rafael took a deep breath. It was now his turn. "Mija, where ever you are right now, please know that we love you. You will always be with us. You have our hearts, para siempre. I wish I could tell you how much happiness you brought into our lives, little one but there are no words. Like your mommy said, you were the best thing to ever happen to us. You will always be our everything and we will never stop loving you. You will always be a part of us. Te queremos," he said softly as he began to cry.

Olivia took the rose and gently tossed it in the river. "Goodbye sweet girl. Love you."

"Goodbye, baby girl. We love you," Rafael whispered.

They stood in silence as they watched the rose get caught in the current and be carried away.

"She's really gone now, isn't she?" Rafael asked.

"She is," Olivia's voice was barely audible.

Rafael turned to Olivia and reached for her. He took her in his arms and they held each other tight as they cried. Their little girl was gone.

 


	6. Turn this Love Around

“Daylight turns to darkness. Seasons fade away. But I know nothing here has change. ‘Cause we’re getting through the heart aches. And some would fall astray. But I know our love still remains”

 

**_ Late November 2014- Dr. Lindstrom’s Office  _ **

 

“Hi Dr. Lindstrom,” Olivia said softly as she took her place in the all too familiar chair.

 

“Hello to you Olivia. How are you doing today?”

 

Olivia turned away and shrugged. “I don’t really know any more.”

 

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” Dr. Lindstrom was concerned.

 

“It’s…it’s everything. I don’t know. Things are just so much…losing our daughter... it just hurts so much. I’m so frustrated and angry.” Olivia let out a sigh.

 

“This is part of the grieving process. You will get through it.” The doctor tried to reassure her.

 

“I know what my doctor said but I can’t help but feel like the miscarriage is my fault.”

 

“Olivia…”

 

“I should have been better at taking care of myself. I should have known something was wrong inside of me. There were signs now that I look back but I ignored them. If I paid attention, I could have saved her. I just wanted to be a good mother to her and I failed her…I failed Rafael…” She said as she lowered her head.

 

“Olivia…you would have been a wonderful mother. You didn’t do anything wrong. You know that your doctor didn’t pick up on anything wrong until the time of the miscarriage. You couldn’t have known. And most importantly, you didn’t fail Rafael or your daughter.”

 

“This is breaking Rafael and me. I don’t know if we can get through this. We barely talk anymore and when we do, it just seems like all we do is fight. This is different than the last time we had problems.” Olivia shook her head.

 

“How is this different?” Dr. Lindstrom asked softly.

 

Olivia was close to tears. “It is just so much more difficult. I know he’s hurting. He knows I’m hurting but we don’t…we won’t talk about it. This just doesn’t seem fair that after everything. After everything Rafael and I have been through with our relationship, my assault, and now this…we just can’t have something go our way. This was supposed to be different. Things were finally good for us. No more nightmares, no more me pushing him away, no more Rafael being afraid to hug me, or either one of us worrying that we were going to get caught and lose our jobs. Our relationship was finally in a good place again. We were going to start a family together. But…but…it was just ripped away from us. Now it’s all gone. It’s not fair. Why us? Why?”

 

“I know you two are hurting and this doesn’t seem fair. I know this was something you two both had worked so hard on in getting to that point. There is no clear cut easy answer to make this better and go away. But like anything it takes time. It also takes communication. You need to talk to Rafael and he needs to talk to you. The fighting you two are dealing with is part of your individual grief.”

“You think he and I will be okay again?” Olivia asked as she searched the doctor’s face, looking for any sign of hope, almost pleading to him.

 

Dr. Lindstrom reached for Olivia’s hand and gave him a gentle squeeze. “I know you two will be. Just try talking to Rafael. He needs you and you need him.”

 

**_ A Few Days Later- The 16th Precinct- SVU Bullpen _ **

“Counselor, may I have a word with you? Captain Cragen called out into the bullpen.

 

“Sure Captain,” Rafael responded as he grabbed his briefcase and made his way to the captain’s office. As he entered, he watched as Cragen pulled a bottle of vodka out from his desk along with a glass.

 

“Rafael, please shut the door and have a seat.”

 

“Is everything okay?” Rafael asked as he shut the door behind.

 

“I don’t know. You tell me. Care for a drink?”

 

“Things are okay…this case is not a slam dunk but I think we have enough for a conviction, especially with the right jury. And no thank you, Captain. I’m good for the moment.”

 

Cragen frowned “I’m not talking about the case. I am talking about you and Olivia. It hasn’t been that long has it?”

 

Rafael took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “We’re dealing.” Rafael was unsure if he really wanted to be discussing the state of his relationship and his grief with Olivia’s boss.

 

Cragen nodded. “Look, Rafael, I know how difficult losing a child is.”

 

“Please, Don. With all due respect, I know you mean well and you care about Olivia and me but unless you have been through this, you have no idea how hard this is.” Rafael shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

 

“I have been through this before so I understand,” Cragen replied sadly.

 

Rafael tried to apologize but Cragen cut him off. “No. It’s okay. I get why you were a bit defensive. I am sure you have had plenty of people come up to you and express their condolences but their words, while well intended, don’t help.”

 

“Yeah,” Rafael sighed.

 

“I wanted to let you know that you guys aren’t alone here and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”

 

“Thank you. I really do appreciate it and I’m sorry you had to experience this too.”

 

Cragen nodded. “It is what it is.”

 

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

 

“I don’t mind at all. Marge and I were in a situation, almost like you and Olivia. Marge was about three and half months along before it happened,” Cragen lowered his head, “I can still remember everything about that night we lost the baby…I had just gotten home after working about 36 hours straight. I remember kissing her on the cheek and telling her, I loved her before crawling into bed. At some point between then and the moment it happened, she managed to wake me up to tell me something was wrong. She started hemorrhaging. God, there was so much blood. I thought I was going to lose her. The doctors did all they could but they couldn’t save the baby.”

 

“Oh God. That must have been terrifying.”

 

“It was,” Cragen took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his face.

 

“How did you and your wife get through it?”

 

“We didn’t. We both got lost in our own grief, we ended up losing each other. I started drowning out the pain by drinking. Marge needed me and I pushed her away. And it was about a year and half later, I lost her for good with the plane crash. You know, I can see you and Olivia struggling. I don’t want you guys to end up like Marge and me.”

 

“I don’t know what to do, Don. We went through so much and things were finally getting better. But like everything else, it was taken from us. Things just seem like they are falling apart all over again.”

 

“Talk to Olivia. She needs you and you need her. You guys can get through this.”

 

Rafael turned and looked out into the bullpen watched Olivia as she talked to Nick and Amanda. His heart ached. “I just want us to be okay again but I don’t know if it ever will be.”

 

**_ Early December 2014, One Week Later- Rafael and Olivia’s Apartment _ **

Olivia stared at the doorknob to their apartment. She counted to ten before putting her key in the door and unlocking it. She was unsure what she would find inside. All she wanted was for him to be there. At this point, she didn’t care if he was still mad at her for what she said. She just wanted him there.

 

It had been four days since they had one of the worst fights of their relationship. She knew the moment the words left her mouth she had screwed up. She has replayed that scene over and over again in her head. His words, “She was my baby too, Liv. How can you say that? I lost my daughter too,” cut her deeper each time. She deserved this she thought. She went too far.

 

She walked in, placed her keys in the basket by the door. She noticed that the apartment was dark but it was late. Maybe he came home and turned in early. She called out his name, hoping he would respond. There was nothing but silence.

 

She turned on the light switch in the living room and headed towards the kitchen. As she walked in and turned on the kitchen light, she saw the bottle of his favorite scotch she bought for him two days ago still sitting there with the note she left for him. _Rafael, I got this for you. Enjoy. I love you very much. – Liv._

 

Olivia sighed. She turned and stared at a photo hanging on their refrigerator door. It was a photo taken soon after they found out they were going to have a baby. They along with other members of the squad were invited to a fundraiser event for sexual assault survivors. Amanda took this photo of them and she commented how great to see how happy and in love Olivia and Rafael were.

 

The photo made Olivia’s heart ache. What if he wasn’t coming back? Olivia couldn’t bear the thought. Rafael had been the one constant in her life these past two years. She loved him with every ounce of her being. He made her truly happy for the first time in her life. He was her everything. She saw how happy she made him. Even Rafael’s old friend, Eddie told her how happy she made him.

 

She needed to find him and try to make things right again. She turned back towards the apartment door and grabbed her keys. She was determined to find him.

 

**_ One Hogan Place- Rafael Barba’s Office _ **

 

Olivia stood outside One Hogan Place and looked up towards a familiar office. As she suspected his office light was on. It was well after midnight. She let out a heavy sigh and walked into the building. She knew she was in for an argument. She didn’t care at this point. She just wanted Rafael to come home.

 

As she approached his office, she saw his door was open. She expected he would be hunched over the case files, combing through every little detail. This case was not just another case for him and Olivia knew it. As Olivia walked in, she wasn’t prepared for what she saw.

 

“Rafael?” She called to him but Rafael didn’t look up. He was fixated on what looked like a small photograph.

 

She gently called to him again. It startled him. She was the last person he expected to see in his office doorway but somehow he wasn’t all that surprised. When he finally looked up at her, she saw that his eyes were red and slightly swollen.

 

“Liv?” His voice was raspy. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Olivia replied.

 

Rafael sighed. He wanted to be alone with his files. “I’m trying to get everything in order on the Ellington case. This case has to be airtight. He can’t get away with what he did.”

 

“The evidence is pretty solid. The forensics, the photographs, the statements, everything. Rafael you have this,” she reassured him.

 

Rafael shook his head. “I got to get him, for her. I promised her that I would put him away so she wouldn’t be scared anymore. And so he won’t hurt her again.”

 

“You are a man of your word and I know you will keep your promise to her. She knows it too,” Olivia said softly as she moved closer to be by him.

 

Rafael stared down at his desk. “But what if I can’t…” His voice trailed off as Olivia began gently rubbing his arm. He needed her comforting touch so much at that moment.

 

Olivia was finally able to get a good look at what exactly Rafael had been fixated on when she walked into his office a few moments earlier. What she saw made her heart ache. It was a small photograph in black and white. But this photograph wasn’t of their current victim. It was their daughter’s first sonogram. In tiny letters printed at the bottom, _Baby Barba, 8 weeks_. It had been about two months since they lost her and about a month since their visit to the park and four days since their fight. Seeing the image brought all the pain of their miscarriage that Olivia tried to bury back to the surface. She wanted to say so many things at that moment but she couldn’t. She felt herself slipping.

 

She took a moment before finding her voice again. “Her sonogram photo…Rafael…this was never about Katie Ellington was it? This is really about our daughter.”

 

Rafael closed his eyes in the hopes he could keep the tears at bay. He slowly nodded his head.

 

“You need to talk to me Rafael. I don’t want to fight anymore. Not after what happened the other day. Please tell me what’s going on.”

 

He didn’t to talk about it. He was hurting too much and as he looked up at Olivia, her face didn’t hide her pain.

 

“Please.” She whispered in a sad and desperate tone. She feared she was losing him and that they were losing each other.

 

Rafael took a deep breath. “Liv…this is really hard for me.”

 

“I know. Please let me in.”

 

“It’s hard to put it into words but when I see Katie and I think about what her father did to her and how she cried asking me why did her daddy had to hurt her like that…I feel sick…and so angry. I think how that bastard could be so evil to hurt her like that. And yet we weren’t even given a chance to hold our daughter. He was supposed to love her and protect her. I need to get this conviction…I just have to…I need to protect Katie. I couldn’t keep you or our daughter safe…I keep failing.”

 

Olivia pulled him close against her as she caressed his hair. “You didn’t fail me or our baby, Rafael in any way, ever.”

 

Rafael just shook his head.

 

Olivia let out a sad sigh. She could sense this case was breaking him. “Rafael, work can wait. Please come home. Please.”

 

Rafael leaned against her and sighed. “I can’t do this anymore. It just…it just hurts so much.”

 

“Maybe you should talk to Connie and see if you can get in with the Feds like we talked about?”

 

“Maybe…but it’s not the job, Liv. It’s this…it’s us. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I just want things to be okay again but I’m not sure right now...especially after the other night.”

 

“I’m so sorry for what I said. I said things I never should have. I crossed a line that I never should have.”

 

“Why did you say those things?” His voice was barely above a whisper.  


Olivia was on the verge of tears. “I don’t know why I did it. It’s just that I have been hurting so much and I have been so angry about what happened. I just thought we were in a really good place and the rug got pulled out from under us. First with Lewis and then our daughter. I lashed out at you and it was so wrong of me. I would give anything to take it all back. I will never forgive myself. I hate myself for hurting you like that. Please believe me when I say I am so sorry. Is there any way you could ever forgive me.”

 

Rafael freed himself from Olivia’s embrace and looked up at her. As he studied her face, he could see how the guilt and grief were eating at her as tears began roll down her cheeks. The anger he had toward her from their fight faded. He pushed himself out of his chair and stepped towards her. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn’t find the right words. Instead, he cupped her face and kissed her. It was gentle and tender the same way it was when he told her he loved her for the first time.

 

As they broke away, Olivia through her tears asked Rafael once more, “Please come home.”

 

Rafael reached down and grabbed Olivia’s hand and nodded.

 

**_ Rafael and Olivia’s Apartment _ **

They walked back to their apartment in silence with their hands locked together only letting go once they entered the doorway into the living room. Olivia turned on one of the living room lamps, giving the room a soft warm glow before making her way to her favorite spot on the couch.

 

Her eyes were fixed on Rafael as he stood near the door scanning the room. “I got you a bottle of your favorite scotch. I brought it home the other day for you. It’s in the kitchen in case you want some.” Olivia said with a half smile.

 

“Thank you. I will get some in a bit,” Rafael returned a smile and before making his way to sit on the opposite side of the couch.

 

Olivia turned towards Rafael, “I’m really glad you’re back.” She reached out for his hand, “I really missed you.”  
  
“I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry for storming out like I did.” Rafael whispered as he squeezed Olivia’s hand.

 

“I tried calling you a few times but you didn’t answer.”  
  
“I know. I stared at my phone for hours debating on whether I should call you or send you a message. I wanted to talk but I wasn’t sure what to say.”  
  
Olivia looked down at her lap and let out a soft sigh. “I am so sorry for what I said.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m not mad anymore,” Rafael said quietly, “I’m just so tired of fighting. Dealing with the grief is hard enough…fighting with you makes it much worse.”  
  
“I know and I am too. It’s tearing us apart.”  
  
Rafael nodded, “Maybe we should try talking about things more…I know I’m not always the most forth coming about things but I’ll be willing to try…even if it is uncomfortable.”  
  
“We need to be able to talk. Bottling things up and lashing out in anger aren’t working for us. I’m willing to try if you are.”  
  
“Let’s try,” Rafael agreed. He reached to pull Olivia closer into his embrace. As she snuggled up next to him, Rafael kissed the top of her head, “I love you, Olivia.”

  
“I love you too, Rafael,” Olivia whispered as she rested her head against his chest.  


A comfortable silence filled the room as Rafael and Olivia laid together on the couch. They stayed together for awhile before Olivia spoke again. “Rafael? Can I tell you something?” Olivia asked.

 

“Sure,” He replied as he started to gently rub her back.

 

“I never told you about this before…but I want you to know this. The one thing I was most excited about when I found out we were having a baby was watching you be a father to our daughter. It made me so happy to know that she always had a father who loves her. It also meant so much to me to know that she would get to experience something I never had and always wanted. I know you would have been an amazing father. She was so lucky to have you. It makes me sad that we can never experience it.” Olivia said as she hugged him tightly.

 

He never expected her to say something like that; her words hit him hard. He couldn’t help but be overcome by emotion. He could feel tears swelling up in his eyes. “Oh, Liv.” Rafael whispered as he shifted to hug her tight, “You know what? I know you would have been an amazing mother too. I know you loved her so much. And I don’t know…maybe someday we will be lucky to experience that. Don’t say never.”

 

“Maybe someday. I don’t know just yet. Let’s get us back on track first.”

 

 

 

 


	7. Electrical Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long delay but this story is not done yet. I hope I still have readers and you guys enjoy this latest update!

 

**_“Well if the sky can crack, there must be some way back. To love and only love.” – U2_ **

_Something felt off. Olivia felt dizzy and disoriented. As she slowly opened her eyes, a pain shot through her skull. She winced. It was a pain she wasn’t expecting. She tried to get a sense of her surroundings but her vision was blurry. She could see two shadowy figures across the room but she couldn’t tell who or what they were at first. But when the larger one moved, Olivia began to realize where she was. She blinked her eyes again and now her eyes began to focus. “Oh no. Oh God no! Not again. Please God not again.” Olivia thought._

_She tried to move but she was tied to a chair. The same chair as before, in the same spot, in her old apartment. Olivia began to panic. She struggled again against her restraints. She couldn’t break free. She tried to scream but her mouth was taped shut. She tried to move her hands again in the hopes she could loosen the tape and rope. But it wasn’t working. She needed to get out of there. Her heart was racing._

_“Hello sweetheart.”_

_Olivia froze. She could feel the blood drain from her face. The room was suddenly very cold. That voice. The voice, Olivia could never forget that voice. No matter how hard she tried._

_“Looks like we meet again. It’s been awhile hasn’t it? I was worried you had forgotten about me,” He laughed as he reached for the side of her face, “You are always so pretty tied up like that,” He grinned while caressing her cheek._

_Olivia flinched. She could feel the bile rising in her stomach. How the hell could this be happening again? Why now? He’s supposed to be dead._

_“Why are you so scared, Detective? Don’t you remember how much fun we had together last time?” He placed his hand on her leg and then began to stroke her inner thigh. He stopped when he found her scar. He closed his eyes as he outlined it with his index finger. He seemed to be lost in thought reliving the moment when he gave her that scar._

_Olivia let out a desperate muffed cry._

_He stopped toughing her scar and looked directly at Olivia. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Want to slow it down a bit? Make tonight last longer? I like that idea. You know what I was hoping for? Your husband over here…I was hoping he could watch.”_

_He stepped away from Olivia and walked across the room where Rafael was bound and gagged in. Olivia could see Rafael had bruises on his face and his shirt was bloody and torn. Olivia figured Rafael tried to step in to stop him and protect her._

_“How is this working out for you Mr. Barba?” You think of me every time you fuck her? Touch her? You see that mark I left on her leg? Yeah you know the one. Does it bother you? Does it bother you to know that you can never have her like I did? That you will never compare to me. I had her screaming and begging. That slut wife of yours, man, she just couldn’t get enough of me.”_

_Rafael struggled against his own restraints. He wanted to kill him. He wanted to yell back but the gag just stifled him._

_“Oh look at you trying to be vocal again? Want to call me names like you did earlier? I don’t think so!” He grabbed Olivia’s gun from the nearby table and pistol-whipped Rafael. The force of the impact was so hard, it caused Rafael’s chair to tip over. The impact made a loud noise and a small voice let out a muffled cry from the bedroom. Their captor headed down the hallway towards the crying. He returned with a small baby in his arms. Olivia and Rafael’s daughter. Her cheeks were red and her green eyes were filled with tears. He placed her on the floor next to Rafael who now was unconscious and bleeding._

_He then walked over to Olivia and ripped the tape off of her mouth. “I want to hear your screams.”_

_“Please. Leave her alone. I’ll do anything. But please don’t hurt her. Please!” Olivia begged. She needed to get free. She had to save her. He wasn’t going to hurt their daughter. This couldn’t be happening._

_“You will be doing what I want no matter what, sweetheart,” He sneered. He looked back at Olivia one last time. Then he raised his foot above the baby’s head and with full force he…_

 

“NO!” Olivia screamed out as she woke up. She was covered in sweat and was gasping for air. She was terrified and shaking.

Her screams woke Rafael up in an instant. “Liv! Liv! What’s wrong?” He wanted to hold her but he was hesitant. She was panicking and he didn’t want to make it worse.

“Oh God! Rafael! Please tell me she’s okay! I need to know if she’s okay.” The fear was palatable.

“Who?” Rafael asked gently.

“Cat…Cat…our daughter…Lewis…He…oh God!” Olivia started to cry.

“Cat?” He was at first confused but then it suddenly dawned on him, “Oh Liv. Mi amor.”

“Lewis he had us tied up…and he was going to boot stomp her. He was going to kill her! Please Rafael. Please tell me she’s safe. Please!” She was on the verge of a full fledged panic attack at this point.

 Rafael signed sadly. It has been a long time since the nightmares were this bad. And now their daughter. He had to remind her, it was the only way he thought he could calm her down. He called to her in a voice barely above a whisper. “Liv, please look at me.” He placed his hand over one of hers, “It was just a bad dream. Lewis, he’s dead. I promise that he can’t hurt you or me…”

“But what about Cat…” She turned her head to face him.

Rafael ran his free hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “Our daughter…Liv…we lost her a couple months ago. The miscarriage and how we went to the park…” His voice trailed off.

Reality started to settle in and she took a couple of deep breaths trying to calm herself. It was just a nightmare, she told herself. Rafael was right. None of what happened was real. She is in her and Rafael’s apartment, in their bed. Not back at her old place. Olivia nodded at Rafael before climbing out of bed. She needed a moment or two to herself. The dream rattled her to her core. While she had stopped shaking, she was far from okay.

She walked into to the bathroom, flipping on the light switch. She stared at her hallowed reflection in the mirror. After all this time, William Lewis still haunted her and taunted her. It has been well over a year since her assault and yet she couldn’t shake him. Now in her dreams, her daughter, Catalina Barba was his new target. His new way of getting to her.

Olivia clenched her fist in frustration. She tried to sort her thoughts but she could hear Dr. Lindstrom’s voice in her head, “Healing is a process Olivia. You need to give it time.” She wanted to tell him to shut up. Tonight she didn’t to be comforted by his platitudes and words. This wasn’t like the other times.  She gripped the edge of the sink and lowered her head. “What’s wrong with me,” she whispered.

“Nothing Liv.” A voice inside her head said. It was the voice of her old friend, George Huang. Olivia knew if he was here right now, he would tell her not to be so hard on herself. It will be okay. Olivia wanted to believe him. He was someone she could always trust. But a sob escaped her lips. She was hurting badly tonight. She began to cry again. This dream felt like it was almost too much to bare. It was an acumination of all the things that ate at her soul. She gripped the edge of the sink harder and shook her head. She was just so tired.

After a few minutes, there was a soft knock on the door. Olivia knew it was Rafael coming to check on her. He always did. “One second, Rafael,” she mumbled. She turned the cold water on and splashed her face. She hoped it would take away some of the redness and the puffiness from her eyes. She dried her face and then opened the door. Rafael was there as expected waiting for her.

Despite her best efforts, Rafael knew she has been crying. He could always tell. “Liv, what’s going on?” He asked as he stepped closer to her, reaching to pull her into his arms. He wanted to make her feel safe again.

“It was a nightmare but it was a really bad one. It just felt so real. It was like it was all happening all over again but you were there…and our daughter. She had your eyes. They were so green,” she said as she buried her face into his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him tightly, “I don’t know where this came from or why.”

“Sometimes these things just happen. I don’t know why our minds will do this to us. But it happens. Bad dreams, they get to all of us sometimes. There is nothing wrong with you,” Rafael reassured her as he rubbed her back, “Do you think you need to go see Dr. Lindstrom? I can call for you in the morning.”

 “No…I don’t feel like talking to him about this. I think right now I just want to try and lay down again. Can you hold me for awhile?”

Rafael kissed the top of Olivia’s head. “Of course. You don’t even have to ask. Hey…are you okay? Do you want me to get you anything before we go back to bed?”

“I’m okay. What did I ever do to deserve you? You are way too good to me. You know that?”  
  
“I just love you that’s all,” Rafael smiled, “Come on let’s get back to bed.” He reached down and took Olivia’s hand in his. He led her back to their bed.

Olivia climbed in on her side first, adjusting her pillow so she could rest her head just right. Rafael crawled in on the other side snuggling close to her. He wrapped his arm around her just under her breasts and kissed her shoulder.

Olivia shifted slightly and grabbed Rafael’s hand. She tried to slide it down towards her stomach so she could more comfortably hold his hand as they slept. But the moment she moved his hand, Rafael began to feel uneasy. Olivia felt Rafael’s body tense as he quickly moved his hand back to its original position. Olivia frowned. Something was off and she wasn’t sure what.

 

**_Early February 2015 Rafael and Olivia’s apartment_ **

****

“Liv, Rafael thanks for having Eric and I over for dinner. It has been a long time!” Alex Cabot smiled as she sat down on the couch next to her fiancé, Eric Wilder.

Olivia nodded, “It sure has. What has it been? About six-seven months and when did you two get engaged?”

“Well it’s actually been closer to eight! But we were in the Congo for about six of those months. And this guy,” Alex smiled at Eric, “Ever the romantic, asked me to marry him as I was packing my anti-malaria medication and lamenting how they upset my stomach. He turned to me and said, “Hey stop complaining and do you want to get hitched?’ I felt so special. But here we are. We are looking to get married late summer up in Cape Cod. Liv, I wanted to ask you if you would be my maid of honor.

“Of course! I would be honored. Though I am sure Munch will be very disappointed. And to be honest, I don’t know what exactly my duties as maid of honor will be.”

“Well don’t worry about it right now. There will be plenty of time to figure it out. And hey! What’s this about you two getting married and the honeymoon in Paris over New Years? I heard from Munch! Congratulations to you both!” Alex’s happiness was genuine for her friends. This was something she thought Olivia and Rafael both deserved.

“Well we wanted to keep things quiet until I am able to transfer to a position with the Feds. We don’t want any higher ups at 1PP or at my office to get upset,” Rafael replied, “But yes Olivia is officially a Barba now for better or for worse. She has definitely made an honest man out of me.” Rafael smiled at Olivia. “So Alex, Eric…can I get you guys something to drink? We have wine, beer, scotch.” Rafael asked, already cradling a tumbler of his favorite scotch on the rocks.

“Red wine would be wonderful if you have some, Rafael…oh wait…this is Liv so there will be red wine.” Alex chuckled.

“I’ll take red wine too. Thank you,” Eric added, “So Olivia how was Paris? I keep telling Alex we need to go.”

 “It was beautiful. It was everything I had hoped for and then some.” Olivia grinned.

 “Be honest, how much of Paris did you actually see?” Alex smirked.

“Well we saw some of the sites…like the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre…and other things…” Olivia blushed.

“Just what I thought! I’m glad you guys had a good time. So what’s next now that you had the wedding and the honeymoon? Are kids next on the list? I think you two will both be amazing parents. It would be good for you.” Alex said unaware of what happened just a few months ago.

Olivia looked away. She felt sick. Alex’s words were like a kick to the gut. While she knew Alex was completely unaware of what happened, Alex’s words cut deep. It was only four months ago but the emotional wound was still very raw. There were so many things she wanted to say at this moment but all she could muster was “Rafael and I talked about it…but we just don’t think right now is a good time.”  
  
Olivia wished she could have told Alex to butt out and that they tried to have children but Olivia’s body was defective. She was broken and the daughter they tried to have was gone. But instead, Olivia sate there quietly listening to Alex and Eric talk about they have plans to have a child of their own soon and then they intend to adopt one or two children from a village in the Congo. Olivia wanted to retreat from this conversation. She wanted nothing more than to retreat to the safety of her bed and grieve for their daughter.

Rafael returned with drinks for everyone. He quickly picked up on Olivia’s change in demeanor. He could tell something upset her because of a subtle change in her body language. He could always tell. He wondered what happened while he was off in the kitchen. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem to register with Alex and Eric. After giving their guests their wine, he sat down next to Olivia and took her hand in his. Olivia responded by squeezing it tightly. It was her way of telling him that right now she wasn’t okay and needed him.

While the rest of the evening was filled with stories of work, travel, and New York City goings on, Olivia seemed a bit removed from the conversation. When it came time for Alex and Eric to head home, the couples agreed to meet up in a few weeks for a double dinner date. As soon as Rafael and Olivia said their goodbyes to their friends, Rafael turned to her and asked, “Liv what’s wrong?”

She shook her head as she made her retreat towards their bedroom.

Rafael followed. He wasn’t going to let this drop. Olivia always encouraged him to talk even when he didn’t want to, now he was determined to do the same for her. “It sure seems like you’re upset. You have been off almost all evening. I could see it in your face, Liv, your body language…it gave it all away. They might not have seen it but I did.”

“It’s nothing.” Olivia mumbled as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Mi Amor, please talk to me. I know it’s something. You don’t get upset for no reason.” Rafael was worried.

“I don’t know if I can…or if you would be able to understand.”

“Well help me understand,” Rafael said softly as he sat down next to her, “What happened? Did Alex say something?”

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself and sighed, “She asked when we are going to have kids…and then she talked about how they were planning to have kids. I know it sounds so stupid but it really bothered me. She doesn’t know about Cat but it hurt.”

“Oh God, Liv. No. It’s not stupid at all. I don’t like that she pried like that. It hurts me too. It’s not fair what happened to us.” Rafael wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.

“It’s not…it’s not just that she asked, it’s hearing her talk about having kids and giving birth…it makes me feel kinda inferior.”

“Inferior? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
“Inferior…I feel like less of a woman. Carrying a child, giving birth…I can’t do that. I hate that there is something wrong with me.”

“You are not less of a woman. You’re more than a uterus, Liv. Giving birth to children doesn’t define who you are or your womanhood. And your medical problems, they don’t make you who you are. You are a woman in every sense of the word,” Rafael tried to reassure her.

“I keep being reminded of how I can’t give us a family. It’s my fault that we can’t have kids. Things changed…I know you don’t look at me the same.”

“What? No. God no! The miscarriage…it happened. Remember what the doctor told us? There wasn’t anything you did wrong. Why are you thinking this? My feelings for you haven’t changed one bit. If anything, I love you more. Where is this coming from?”

“It was that nightmare I had…the one with Lewis…”

“It was just a dream. It wasn’t real. None of it.”

“But afterwards…why didn’t hold me like you used to? You wouldn’t touch my stomach,” there was a deep sense of sadness and heartache in Olivia’s voice.

Rafael let go of Olivia and pushed himself off the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s not you,” he said in a low sad voice as he walked towards the window. He didn’t want Olivia to see the tears in his eyes.

“If it’s not me then why did you move your hands?”

“It’s not you, okay? I love holding you and touching you. But I just can’t touch your stomach right now,” Rafael rubbed the tears out of his eyes.

Olivia got up and joined him by the window. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. Olivia started to understand. “The last time you touched me there…it was the night she kicked.”

Rafael nodded, “I miss her.”

“Me too,” Olivia whispered.

Rafael turned so he could wrap his arms around her. Olivia rested her head on his shoulder.

“I never doubted your love, Rafael.”

“I know.”  
  
“I love you more than you ever could possibly know,” Olivia hugged Rafael tighter.

Rafael kissed Olivia softly, “I love you too.”

After a few moments of silence and being locked in each other’s embrace, Rafael broke their silence, “Hey Liv?”

“Hmm?”

“Maybe we should look at other ways to have a child and start a family?”

“I think I like that idea…a lot.” Olivia pulled back and smiled at Rafael before placing a kiss on his lips.

 

 


End file.
